It's odd because I don't usually write here on any kind of pre-planned schedule so much as I just write when I find an occasion where I feel like it, which I've somehow managed to keep up over the course of the past 7 years. Perhaps longer if you include the old livejournal that I haven't looked at for a long time. I guess it's become sort of an ingrained habit by now to just write like this every so often, except for when I run into a dry spell like the last couple of months. I'll admit it, Pokemon really does a number on one's introspective life. But enough of that.
So in addition to this blog, I also keep a physical journal that I write in semi-regularly, although the character of the writing there is fairly different from what I have on here. For one thing, I'm used to going back and re-reading the posts I have on here, or perhaps more accurately scrutinizing what I've written and occasionally revising when I feel nitpicky about something, whereas with my journal I rarely ever go back and re-read what I've written. The difference being, I write posts here that I actually would enjoy reading later on, whereas what I write in my journal is generally spur of the moment and pure and unfiltered, without the option of revising or rewriting anything. (partly because doing so with a pen on paper is messy- but revising a journal kinda defeats the point of it being physical anyway.)
I actually didn't start out with this habit initially like I did with blogging- it sort of came about purely by chance, after a birthday gift one year; probably the best present I ever got (second place goes to the half-folding paper towels I got in the dorms for secret santa, hehe). I never saw myself as much of a journaler then, but somehow managed to start a routine where I now do it whenever I'm in a church setting with worship music playing. Something about the atmosphere just makes me more prone or open to doing it there and then- at the expense of not singing- and I often don't even feel like I'm consciously controlling what I'm writing... but I guess the whole mind-to-paper process is kind of a mystery to me anyway.
I don't usually like what I've written in the end, though. When I look down at it, I see my flaws at their worst- whatever it is I've been willing to put down anyway, because there are some things I still won't name even on paper- and the rambling, scattered, incoherent thoughts of a lowly, insecure person. Because ultimately I crave having the self-image of someone who is sophisticated in thought, in reasoning, and purpose, and my journal shows me to be none of these. I'm prone to seeing the same kinds of flaws in my words and thoughts that I find myself criticizing other people for internally (also in my thoughts) on a regular basis: flaws of ignorance, pride, and simple mindedness. And then I realize how full of myself I really am in the midst of all this self-criticism, as if possessing the sophistication of words will make me that much better of a person.
I haven't really written that much in it either. Just enough to get by every couple of weeks or so, which amounts to maybe 1.15 completed journals in the span of 5 years, and I just guesstimated there. That isn't very much considering other people I know of who can fill up multiple Moleskines or Piccadillys whatever brand it is they buy in a year (I'm using Ecosystem... not that this is an ad for them or anything...).
It occurred to me this morning that I should probably start journaling more often for my own sake- because the span of three-five worship songs in the rushed setting of a church service isn't enough time for me to get at whatever it is I need to get at when I'm writing, and besides my inner life has been largely on the decline since I started working. Too often lately I find myself thinking that I'm only getting by right now because I'm straight up ignoring my personal issues in my head, blithely preoccupying myself with being busy and focusing on the next big distraction of the week.
(which happened to be a season's worth of Doctor Who this weekend. it's been growing on me ever since I started watching the first (modern) season/series more than a year ago, and I think I finally hit that I'm-obsessed-I-need-to-watch-more sweet spot late in the second season.)
There is only so much time in the world. Only so much time to write, to work, to play, to travel, to live. And if I keep on going as I have been lately, living a life unobserved, then I will probably get to a point where I'm about to die and just realize, that's it? What have I really been doing with my life all this time? Whatever happened to dreaming of greater things and making them happen?
In all honesty the situation hasn't changed much from the thoughts I had after that retreat back in August. Just an additional few months of distractions to follow, some adventures made, things looked forward to that have passed. But I realized after the past few weeks, that too much fun and side-leisure has its downsides. I find myself missing the sense of accomplishment that came when I actually got work done that I felt invested in (and I mean both in and outside of work... if that makes sense), and felt productive in general.
In due time I may have other meaningful subjects to write about, but it depends on when I can get my inner life up to snuff. Time to wake up and starting moving around, for once. Or I guess in my case, sleep now and seize the day. In that order.
In all honesty the situation hasn't changed much from the thoughts I had after that retreat back in August. Just an additional few months of distractions to follow, some adventures made, things looked forward to that have passed. But I realized after the past few weeks, that too much fun and side-leisure has its downsides. I find myself missing the sense of accomplishment that came when I actually got work done that I felt invested in (and I mean both in and outside of work... if that makes sense), and felt productive in general.
In due time I may have other meaningful subjects to write about, but it depends on when I can get my inner life up to snuff. Time to wake up and starting moving around, for once. Or I guess in my case, sleep now and seize the day. In that order.
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