cannot. bring. self. to. work. without. feeling. depressed.

i

In recent weeks I've been becoming more aware of my preoccupation with my own self-image. Especially in the context of relationships outside of home. I always put on this air of being interested but too busy to do things or just otherwise someone who doesn't often find himself in embarrassing situations... and it becomes a bit of an obsession sometimes. I don't like being embarrassed in front of people I don't know as well. It might well be the reason why I don't always feel as open when I'm at IV, unless I'm around someone like Ryan who kinda drags certain irritating feelings out of me.

(okay, not that I reeeeally get mad at him, but you know...)

But yeah, I guess I've been meaning to be more open about myself lately... although I keep finding it difficult in a lot of ways. I feel less inclined to try when I'm in the middle of a down period. Especially lately. I just want to sit here and listen to atmospheric songs on repeat.

Oh, life.

ListList

So my productivity this week went downhill... which is kinda evident by the fact that I'm blogging in the middle of 150 lecture. Eh, I'm already lost with what's going on in lecture right now so I figured it'd be more efficient use of my time to sort my thoughts rather than just sit hit and aimlessly wander. At least, so that once lecture ends I can actually start working without having to do this first, because I kinda need this right now.

First things first... some lists.

My schedule next semester:

CS 184 - Computer Graphics
CS 188 - Artificial Intelligence
Math 110 - Linear Algebra
Japanese 1A - Elementary Japanese

YES, I am finally going to attempt to take Japanese for once. And see how things turn out, I guess. I've tried coming up with classes I might consider if I end up not doing Japanese, but the only one that really comes to mind at the moment is Anthro 160AC - Forms of Folklore. But I don't really need it for any requirements, so it might be better if I just make use of the extra time to focus on what I've already got like this semester.

I decided not to take Feedback Control after a long mental debate just cause it doesn't mesh with my schedule well like Math 110 does, and I figured I would only really be using it if I actually got into a grad school program that it was relevant to like Comp Systems Bio, whereas I'd actually be interested in Graphics regardless of whether or not I went to grad school. And if I got into grad school I'd probably take Feedback Control there anyway.

The only other class that seemed feasible was something related to Global Poverty or Econ, but I think I'd be more interested in the subject without taking the class and having to do the excess reading. So, Japanese it is.

Currently on my to-do list...

Anime: Durarara!! (Holy crap this show is AWESOME)
TV Show: The Wire Season 1
Book: Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!
Adventure Game: Sam and  Max Season 1
RPG: Persona 2: Innocent Sin
Movie: Blade Runner
Manga: Akumetsu
Biblical Book: Matthew

Currently on my should-do list...

150 HW
150 project chkpt 2
review OS stuff
figure out apt stuff
figure out summer stuff
120 notes
reflect
pray

Misc...

anime song that's stuck in my head: Seirei no Moribito - Nahji no Uta
worship song that's stuck in my head: Invitation Fountain
shoegaze song that's stuck in my head: Pale Saints - Sea of Sound
other song that's always stuck in my head: Slowdive - Shine

si

I wonder what happened to the zealous optimism I had two weeks ago.

God, I am so easily discouraged. I have such little faith in anything right now.

I WANT MY SWEATER BACK.

L

It consumes my mind and my thoughts. That last time I got annoyed with it while washing dishes for getting in the way, that one time outside of the environmental design library when I pulled its hood over, that one time I left it on top of my backpack and assumed that it would make it to the destination just fine. And I keep running it over in my head, over and over, how I shouldn't have brought it since I didn't need it at all that day, how I should've just not gone to the early event to begin with, and so on. I can't stop it. Or in some respects I refuse to stop it.

I wonder whether or not I actually value the things I lose that much, or if I just have the unhealthy habit of over-sentimentalizing things that didn't really matter to me that much until I did lose them. As if to say that losing things somehow infinitely multiplies their value to me, because now they are lost and I can't have free access to them like I used to. So I rely on the memories I had of them before I lost them and suddenly, there's the good old days.

I really liked that sweater. I really did. Even though the arm cuffs were annoying too long for me and I kept unfastening and refastening them until the buttons rusted over, it was really comfy. And I loved the hood. And the dusty effect it had on the front.

I really wish I could just sleep and forget about this, but some part of me refuses to sleep and forget about this. Some part of me knows that if I forgot and then later became aware that I had lost a sweater again, I would get mad that I'd forgotten about it. Even though it doesn't really matter that much in the long run of things, because it's just a damn sweater.

I don't know why this week had to turn into my time to learn to give up worrying over the things that I lose, but I really dislike the fact that it is. I had enough with the ipod, I had enough with the suit, I had enough with the pink pencil that got knocked into the bush, I had enough with 10 years of losing pencils and ERASERS that I couldn't find anywhere 30 seconds after dropping them. Next thing I know I'm going to lose something that's priceless, and I don't know what I'm going to do then.

I am so easily swayed by the littlest of things. God, I just want my damn sweater back.

On a sidenote, I am also sick of perpetually getting sick, but that's another story. While running in the Amazing Race today, my back of my throat hurt so much that I thought I might pass out from the combined effects of flu symptoms and asthma attacks.

I don't really care about why it happened, I just hate that it happened. Especially in the midst of everything that I wanted to appreciate this weekend. I mean come on, it's EASTER.

Lost ipod and charger.

I ****ing hate losing things.