Two days till Indonesia. After that, a hop, skip, and a jump to August. Summer is flying by too fast.
It's difficult to not think the dreaded "what am I doing with my life?" question, even though I technically know what I'll be doing in two months. It's the baggage that comes with it that I'm worried about.
Not even that, though - what am I doing with my life today? On mind so far:
- figure out what to pack. shouldn't be too hard.
- the usual driving errands.
- read A Clash of Kings. I finished A Game of Thrones yesterday and am now hooked onto this series. I haven't felt this kind of excitement for a book series since the Harry Potter days, although it kinda helps that
a) the fifth book in the series comes out next week. and two more books to come after that, even though it will probably take another decade for those two. but yeah, it seems to be getting good reviews, so that's something to look forward to.
b) the TV series aired this year and already has a second season in production. I like the looks of it so far, and Aiden Gillen (Carcetti from The Wire) was cast as Littlefinger, which instantly plummeted him to favorite character status even though I was already starting to like him in the books.
c) the fanbase has been getting pretty lively because of a and b.
d) The books come with maps of locations like the Lord of the Rings books did. I like maps.
e) I went to Barnes and Nobles yesterday and splurged on books 2-4 in anticipation of a and just from wanting to know what happens next.
- progress through/maybe finish? L.A. Noire. Made it to the final chapter, the Arson cases today with Ryan's help. Although I could wait until after I get back for this, since Ryan wants to see how it ends...
also, Grandia (which is taking a rather long time to get through... approaching final third of the game) and Radiant Historia (shorter than above but still quite a bit left).
- watch Dr. Who or Batman TAS or Breaking Bad or Seinfeld. The problem with starting multiple series at once is that it takes forever to progress through any of them. -_-
- play SC2 with Johny. Been meaning to get to this, but I honestly don't feel motivated or interested enough to play right now... sigh.
- take out a textbook and study. Japanese has been staring at me for a while now. as well as some other stuff.
- listen to some podcasts. got an app working on the phone and managed sync it with Regen's sermon feed along with some of Tim Keller. Maybe This American Life next. Looking for more things to listen to.
- figure out things I could do in Indonesia. which would be the subject of another list within this list. I find it hard to do much due to limitations in freedom there and the language barrier, not to mention the constant heat + mosquitoes make me feel inclined to stay in the room
most of the time... but we'll see this time.
- nap because considering how late I'm up right now, I'll probably conk out tomorrow.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Reservations
Church at home feels a lot different from the churches I've experienced in the Bay area. I've been going to the same church since first grade since it was connected to the elementary-middle school I went to. Haven't bothered to change much since then, partly out of laziness and partly because I've never really been home long enough since college started to invest in another community. Not to mention I'm moving up in a couple of months.
Things I've noticed in the past while:
1. The church campus has changed a lot in the past 4 years. There used to be a lot of other buildings here, back when my school occupied the campus during the week. (the school moved to a different campus my last year there). They got torn down and replaced with a couple of new, smaller or more compressed buildings, resulting in there being a wide walkway where there used to be building. I can still remember the old campus pretty vividly in my head; I revisit it in my dreams sometimes. If anything, it felt a lot bigger in my memory.
2. I only noticed my first week back here that almost all of the congregation is white. For some reason it never occurred to me until now to look at the makeup of the people attending, or I just never thought about it, and it never bothered me. The more that I think about it, I realize Berkeley was my first real exposure to a place with majority Asian composition.
3. I have no problem with the sermons, but I don't feel comfortable with the fact that there are stagelights (as if we're at a concert... in some senses it all feels like one) and that lyrics for worship are overlayed on a videofeed of the singers themselves that changes camera angles frequently. It feels like watching a televangelist service within the service itself, and it makes me start to question what exactly is being valued in service nowadays. I mean, at least to someone who's familiar with smaller churches, a lot of the stuff going on around the stage is pretty distracting. Most of this was only added in the past couple of years too.
4. The church has grown big enough that they even have a parking shuttle now to transport people to the parking lot across the street. At my high school.
5. There's the tradition when the service starts to shake hands and say hello to the people sitting around you, which has been around for as long as I can remember. However, after the service ends, we never really stick around long enough to talk to anyone other than say hi to one or two families we recognize if we see them. A lot of times I get the impression that the people I shake hands with don't really want to do this... but either way, it's pretty impersonal.
6. Messages are targeted more for a suburban family demographic that tend to be living pretty well off (seeing as how it's the OC), with more emphasis on the practical. A lot of the newer stuff they've been covering here wind up being stuff I already knew to a certain extent from other experiences (going to IV and other churches has its perks). I was surprised to hear the word hermeneutics used last week, though - I guess I wasn't expecting that kind of stuff to show up here. In light of the May 21 scare, it was nice to hear straight from the pulpit a "don't take Revelation so literally, cause you're missing the point" message, I guess.
7. I still feel like an outsider after all these years. Granted, I haven't really tried to fit in either - and to be honest I feel really disconnected from the community here, in part because of the general demographics and how big it's grown. I have trouble picturing myself living in this kind of environment in the future - it just doesn't feel... right to me.
This is more reflective of how I feel about living here in general, though: I'm fine staying at my parent's house for breaks and whatnot, but I honestly cannot picture myself in this environment on my own, as an adult, as an individual. Even though it's nice to not have to worry about stuff like having your mail stolen or shady people on the street (I used to have nightmares about gunmen breaking into our yard when I was younger) - it's too nice. Living comfortably has never felt so uncomfortable.
Things I've noticed in the past while:
1. The church campus has changed a lot in the past 4 years. There used to be a lot of other buildings here, back when my school occupied the campus during the week. (the school moved to a different campus my last year there). They got torn down and replaced with a couple of new, smaller or more compressed buildings, resulting in there being a wide walkway where there used to be building. I can still remember the old campus pretty vividly in my head; I revisit it in my dreams sometimes. If anything, it felt a lot bigger in my memory.
2. I only noticed my first week back here that almost all of the congregation is white. For some reason it never occurred to me until now to look at the makeup of the people attending, or I just never thought about it, and it never bothered me. The more that I think about it, I realize Berkeley was my first real exposure to a place with majority Asian composition.
3. I have no problem with the sermons, but I don't feel comfortable with the fact that there are stagelights (as if we're at a concert... in some senses it all feels like one) and that lyrics for worship are overlayed on a videofeed of the singers themselves that changes camera angles frequently. It feels like watching a televangelist service within the service itself, and it makes me start to question what exactly is being valued in service nowadays. I mean, at least to someone who's familiar with smaller churches, a lot of the stuff going on around the stage is pretty distracting. Most of this was only added in the past couple of years too.
4. The church has grown big enough that they even have a parking shuttle now to transport people to the parking lot across the street. At my high school.
5. There's the tradition when the service starts to shake hands and say hello to the people sitting around you, which has been around for as long as I can remember. However, after the service ends, we never really stick around long enough to talk to anyone other than say hi to one or two families we recognize if we see them. A lot of times I get the impression that the people I shake hands with don't really want to do this... but either way, it's pretty impersonal.
6. Messages are targeted more for a suburban family demographic that tend to be living pretty well off (seeing as how it's the OC), with more emphasis on the practical. A lot of the newer stuff they've been covering here wind up being stuff I already knew to a certain extent from other experiences (going to IV and other churches has its perks). I was surprised to hear the word hermeneutics used last week, though - I guess I wasn't expecting that kind of stuff to show up here. In light of the May 21 scare, it was nice to hear straight from the pulpit a "don't take Revelation so literally, cause you're missing the point" message, I guess.
7. I still feel like an outsider after all these years. Granted, I haven't really tried to fit in either - and to be honest I feel really disconnected from the community here, in part because of the general demographics and how big it's grown. I have trouble picturing myself living in this kind of environment in the future - it just doesn't feel... right to me.
This is more reflective of how I feel about living here in general, though: I'm fine staying at my parent's house for breaks and whatnot, but I honestly cannot picture myself in this environment on my own, as an adult, as an individual. Even though it's nice to not have to worry about stuff like having your mail stolen or shady people on the street (I used to have nightmares about gunmen breaking into our yard when I was younger) - it's too nice. Living comfortably has never felt so uncomfortable.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Dream Update
Recent dreams.
EDIT:
0. From last night:
So earlier in this dream, I'm at some carnival? or something like that and get involved in a game where I'm in a circle of people and there's a ball. The person with the ball has to stare at someone and throw the ball to someone they aren't staring at at the same time.
Fast forward through some parts I don't remember, and now I'm going to my high school to play tennis, driving straight from the parking lot to the tennis courts (...which isn't actually possible at my high school). I arrive there to find that it is the first day of tryouts for both guys and girls teams this year, and 3/4 of the kids there are half my size. I get the idea to pretend I'm a student so I can practice playing anyway.
So before tryouts start, the head coach - who happens to be headless for some reason - decides to put everyone through a variant of the above game called "Choose Your Empathy" (somehow the person you choose to throw at without staring is related to your empathy?). A floating cartoonish smiling sun suddenly manifests as the head of the headless coach, and instead of a ball, he starts launching broccoli at us using sun-head as a catapult. And then I wake up.
1. The night before Relay For Life back at Berkeley:
I discover that Yvonne Fung and David Yang share a "dark" history of having participated in a nude art exhibition 4 years ago. This includes a reinterpretation of Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel ceiling painting (God creating Adam) as well as a human chandelier (as opposed to a human pyramid).
So yeah, this dream is up there in the category "woke me up with a heart attack" with Justin punching me in the stomach, me driving off a cliff, and Ryan L saying he slept with two girls last night.
2. Last week:
I discover that Harrison is an undercover closet secret agent (as in, he emerges... from closets?) dealing with missions in Europe. Don't remember much else.
3. Earlier this week:
I am introduced to the fictional red haired younger sister of Jenn Ross, and for some reason I cannot stop laughing even before she introduces herself. We are both sorted into Gryffindor House at Hogwarts and have to work on a group Spanish project with some other people. Insert a meal at Hogwarts (I've kinda always wanted to experience a meal at Hogwarts...)
4. Last last night:
A malevolent spirit that apparently has been trying to kill me for a while possesses Nick. In the middle of a conversation at 6 in the morning in our room at Hilgard, I manage to point out things that possessed Nick doesn't know that Nick should know (hence proving that Nick is being possessed), and we end up having a heated fight that results in me pointing a revolver at him and him trying to wrest it out of my hands by pinching my cheeks. Kim appears out of the room next door and breaks up the fight by slapping possessed Nick. and I wake up.
Dreams I recently rediscovered in my journal from sophomore year:
1. I enter Andy Lee's dorm room to discover that he is playing Neopets. I ask him how many NP he has and he yells at me to GET OUT.
2. Charlie Brown is depressed because it's Christmas and Linus appears to have forgotten him. However, he makes 26 dollars by investing in Lucy's lending service and has a square dance party when he gets home. Linus finds out that Charlie Brown has abandoned him and tries to invest in a lookalike's lending service. The evil girl charges him 92 dollars.
*insert SCARY EVIL FACE of the lookalike lending girl*
3. I arrive at a mansion at the End of the World... or rather, a floating island at the end of the universe. Kirby 64 universe music is playing in the background.
4. My future self in a red Power Rangers costume kidnaps me and jumps from a multistory building. Random flash of other characters materializing, such as Legolas. (I don't remember ever having this dream...)
5. (at our apartment in Hilgard): Nick confronts the annoying lady who lives next door. He disappears, the front door left open, and an overbearing lady enters and yells at me, Kate, and Nathan.
6. Hilfinger (one of my CS professors) lives in the apartment across from us and drops by to ask how we are doing with our projects. My apartment + Martin, Danielle, and Olivia play hide and seek outside. Danielle and Martin can phase through walls, and Olivia catches me because I'm glued to a rolling chair and trying to program and hide at the same time.
7. Jade comes out of the closet as a year-ahead-of-us student/secret agent who delivers pizzas on the side.
8. My dad forces me to order starfish for dinner. I refused to eat the half-dissected starfish on my plate, but having taken Bio 1AL, I am able to label the internal organs aloud. Its gonads are flesh colored, so it is a male. and then I find myself playing Diddy Kong Racing, except the vehicles are penguins. and I lose.
9. Following a trail of luggage through the sewers, I run into a man who accuses me of not being Pikachu and attempts to slice my neck off with a file.
10. I have a dream about Johny having a dream. As to what that dream entails, I have no idea.
EDIT:
0. From last night:
So earlier in this dream, I'm at some carnival? or something like that and get involved in a game where I'm in a circle of people and there's a ball. The person with the ball has to stare at someone and throw the ball to someone they aren't staring at at the same time.
Fast forward through some parts I don't remember, and now I'm going to my high school to play tennis, driving straight from the parking lot to the tennis courts (...which isn't actually possible at my high school). I arrive there to find that it is the first day of tryouts for both guys and girls teams this year, and 3/4 of the kids there are half my size. I get the idea to pretend I'm a student so I can practice playing anyway.
So before tryouts start, the head coach - who happens to be headless for some reason - decides to put everyone through a variant of the above game called "Choose Your Empathy" (somehow the person you choose to throw at without staring is related to your empathy?). A floating cartoonish smiling sun suddenly manifests as the head of the headless coach, and instead of a ball, he starts launching broccoli at us using sun-head as a catapult. And then I wake up.
1. The night before Relay For Life back at Berkeley:
I discover that Yvonne Fung and David Yang share a "dark" history of having participated in a nude art exhibition 4 years ago. This includes a reinterpretation of Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel ceiling painting (God creating Adam) as well as a human chandelier (as opposed to a human pyramid).
So yeah, this dream is up there in the category "woke me up with a heart attack" with Justin punching me in the stomach, me driving off a cliff, and Ryan L saying he slept with two girls last night.
2. Last week:
I discover that Harrison is an undercover closet secret agent (as in, he emerges... from closets?) dealing with missions in Europe. Don't remember much else.
3. Earlier this week:
I am introduced to the fictional red haired younger sister of Jenn Ross, and for some reason I cannot stop laughing even before she introduces herself. We are both sorted into Gryffindor House at Hogwarts and have to work on a group Spanish project with some other people. Insert a meal at Hogwarts (I've kinda always wanted to experience a meal at Hogwarts...)
4. Last last night:
A malevolent spirit that apparently has been trying to kill me for a while possesses Nick. In the middle of a conversation at 6 in the morning in our room at Hilgard, I manage to point out things that possessed Nick doesn't know that Nick should know (hence proving that Nick is being possessed), and we end up having a heated fight that results in me pointing a revolver at him and him trying to wrest it out of my hands by pinching my cheeks. Kim appears out of the room next door and breaks up the fight by slapping possessed Nick. and I wake up.
Dreams I recently rediscovered in my journal from sophomore year:
1. I enter Andy Lee's dorm room to discover that he is playing Neopets. I ask him how many NP he has and he yells at me to GET OUT.
2. Charlie Brown is depressed because it's Christmas and Linus appears to have forgotten him. However, he makes 26 dollars by investing in Lucy's lending service and has a square dance party when he gets home. Linus finds out that Charlie Brown has abandoned him and tries to invest in a lookalike's lending service. The evil girl charges him 92 dollars.
*insert SCARY EVIL FACE of the lookalike lending girl*
3. I arrive at a mansion at the End of the World... or rather, a floating island at the end of the universe. Kirby 64 universe music is playing in the background.
4. My future self in a red Power Rangers costume kidnaps me and jumps from a multistory building. Random flash of other characters materializing, such as Legolas. (I don't remember ever having this dream...)
5. (at our apartment in Hilgard): Nick confronts the annoying lady who lives next door. He disappears, the front door left open, and an overbearing lady enters and yells at me, Kate, and Nathan.
6. Hilfinger (one of my CS professors) lives in the apartment across from us and drops by to ask how we are doing with our projects. My apartment + Martin, Danielle, and Olivia play hide and seek outside. Danielle and Martin can phase through walls, and Olivia catches me because I'm glued to a rolling chair and trying to program and hide at the same time.
7. Jade comes out of the closet as a year-ahead-of-us student/secret agent who delivers pizzas on the side.
8. My dad forces me to order starfish for dinner. I refused to eat the half-dissected starfish on my plate, but having taken Bio 1AL, I am able to label the internal organs aloud. Its gonads are flesh colored, so it is a male. and then I find myself playing Diddy Kong Racing, except the vehicles are penguins. and I lose.
9. Following a trail of luggage through the sewers, I run into a man who accuses me of not being Pikachu and attempts to slice my neck off with a file.
10. I have a dream about Johny having a dream. As to what that dream entails, I have no idea.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Lately I've been watching too much anime for my own good, so I made a list. (mainly if you're into anime)
- The two Eden of the East(Higashi no Eden) movies, King of Eden and Paradise Lost.
the original series was pretty good (recommend watching) even though it kinda left the story unfinished, but the way it ended was all right anyway. The movies on the other hand finish the story, but left a bit of a "that's it?" feeling after all the mysteries were explained and whatnot. Felt like they tried to compress 8 TV episodes into two movies rather than make... two movies.
- Gintama. sitcom comedy that takes place in a 19th century samurai-era Japan that got invaded by aliens. finally got to the Benizakura arc (episodes 58-61). Twas excellent, though interesting cause it was rather plot heavy in a series known to not have much plot. Now just... 140+ more episodes to go. It only took a year to get this far, right? -_-
- Clannad. The premise of this series would normally turn me off from it (main character getting to know 5 girls as in a typical visual novel scenario) but the opening was pretty/dynamic enough to get me interested. Some parts of the drama make me cringe sometimes but otherwise enjoying it. I don't think I'd do this for another series though.
- the Cowboy Bebop movie. Finally got to this after all these years. Pretty good. Not much else to say.
- Akira the movie. Read the manga a while back, so naturally I'm biased in thinking the manga's better cause it covered twice the amount of material. I liked how the movie focused more on the relationship between main character and best-friend-turned-villain though. And of course watching anything involving warring psychic powers is fun.
- Revolutionary Girl Utena. Think Sailor Moon-style repetition (monster of the week + recycled footage in every episode), except replace sailor scouts with duelists sword-fighting over a rose bride, one of whom is a girl who got so enamored by a prince when she was little that she grew up wanting to become a prince herself. Toss in some heavy symbolism involving roses and fairy tales, a bunch of psychologically messed up people, a canon leading lesbian couple, incest, and an implied rape scene. This series is like Evangelion except actually done decently. I keep getting the opening stuck in my head.
- Giant Robo. Chronicles the battle between the IPO (International Police Organization) and a terrorist group known as Big Fire over a type of energy source called Shizuma Drives. Named after a giant robot that happens to be iconic of the series, although everyone except the 12 year old boy controlling the robot has crazy superpowers. Given that it was a direct-to-video made in the 90's, it feels like watching a really awesome Saturday morning cartoon. I love it.
- The Tatami Galaxy (aka Yojouhan Shinwa Taikei). Kinda like watching groundhog day, except rather than repeating a day, the main character repeats the first two years of college in each episode whilst trying to figure out how not to waste it. Of course, he fails pretty much every time bar for the last episode, but the way this series carries out the premise (and its ultimate message) is brilliant. The main character speaks in internal monologues at a speed faster than I talk when I'm excited, and the art and animation is pretty unconventional. I got hooked from the first episode. Instant favorite.
- Puella Magi Madoka Magica. one of those series in which the promotional artwork/opening IS A LIE. It's a magical girl series (think Sailor Moon/Card Captor Sakura) involving middle schoolers, except it suddenly takes a dark turn around episode 3 and just plummets downhill from there with psychologically depressing topics and little girls dying. It gets pretty messed up by the second half. Not to mention holy crap that talking bunny/cat thing that grants the girls magical powers is EVIL. KILL IT.
- Honey and Clover. Slice of life about a group of poor college students living in the same building and their lives/relationships over time. I've been meaning to watch this for ages. Just watched the first episode and loving it already.
- The two Eden of the East(Higashi no Eden) movies, King of Eden and Paradise Lost.
the original series was pretty good (recommend watching) even though it kinda left the story unfinished, but the way it ended was all right anyway. The movies on the other hand finish the story, but left a bit of a "that's it?" feeling after all the mysteries were explained and whatnot. Felt like they tried to compress 8 TV episodes into two movies rather than make... two movies.
- Gintama. sitcom comedy that takes place in a 19th century samurai-era Japan that got invaded by aliens. finally got to the Benizakura arc (episodes 58-61). Twas excellent, though interesting cause it was rather plot heavy in a series known to not have much plot. Now just... 140+ more episodes to go. It only took a year to get this far, right? -_-
- Clannad. The premise of this series would normally turn me off from it (main character getting to know 5 girls as in a typical visual novel scenario) but the opening was pretty/dynamic enough to get me interested. Some parts of the drama make me cringe sometimes but otherwise enjoying it. I don't think I'd do this for another series though.
- the Cowboy Bebop movie. Finally got to this after all these years. Pretty good. Not much else to say.
- Akira the movie. Read the manga a while back, so naturally I'm biased in thinking the manga's better cause it covered twice the amount of material. I liked how the movie focused more on the relationship between main character and best-friend-turned-villain though. And of course watching anything involving warring psychic powers is fun.
- Revolutionary Girl Utena. Think Sailor Moon-style repetition (monster of the week + recycled footage in every episode), except replace sailor scouts with duelists sword-fighting over a rose bride, one of whom is a girl who got so enamored by a prince when she was little that she grew up wanting to become a prince herself. Toss in some heavy symbolism involving roses and fairy tales, a bunch of psychologically messed up people, a canon leading lesbian couple, incest, and an implied rape scene. This series is like Evangelion except actually done decently. I keep getting the opening stuck in my head.
- Giant Robo. Chronicles the battle between the IPO (International Police Organization) and a terrorist group known as Big Fire over a type of energy source called Shizuma Drives. Named after a giant robot that happens to be iconic of the series, although everyone except the 12 year old boy controlling the robot has crazy superpowers. Given that it was a direct-to-video made in the 90's, it feels like watching a really awesome Saturday morning cartoon. I love it.
- The Tatami Galaxy (aka Yojouhan Shinwa Taikei). Kinda like watching groundhog day, except rather than repeating a day, the main character repeats the first two years of college in each episode whilst trying to figure out how not to waste it. Of course, he fails pretty much every time bar for the last episode, but the way this series carries out the premise (and its ultimate message) is brilliant. The main character speaks in internal monologues at a speed faster than I talk when I'm excited, and the art and animation is pretty unconventional. I got hooked from the first episode. Instant favorite.
- Puella Magi Madoka Magica. one of those series in which the promotional artwork/opening IS A LIE. It's a magical girl series (think Sailor Moon/Card Captor Sakura) involving middle schoolers, except it suddenly takes a dark turn around episode 3 and just plummets downhill from there with psychologically depressing topics and little girls dying. It gets pretty messed up by the second half. Not to mention holy crap that talking bunny/cat thing that grants the girls magical powers is EVIL. KILL IT.
- Honey and Clover. Slice of life about a group of poor college students living in the same building and their lives/relationships over time. I've been meaning to watch this for ages. Just watched the first episode and loving it already.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
low.
Went clothes shopping today. Midway through, started mentally seething over remarks made to me about my taste in clothes over the past XX years. Next thing I knew I was holding two shirts that I didn't remember picking up and couldn't tell if I liked or not.
Being home doesn't take away problems. It just masks them under other priorities until the most random little thing brings it all out into the open again. I've lost count of the number of times this week I've caught myself cussing under my breath after suddenly remembering something I didn't want to remember, in the middle of grocery shopping, or eating at a restaurant, or hanging out with people at home.
God, I need healing here.
Being home doesn't take away problems. It just masks them under other priorities until the most random little thing brings it all out into the open again. I've lost count of the number of times this week I've caught myself cussing under my breath after suddenly remembering something I didn't want to remember, in the middle of grocery shopping, or eating at a restaurant, or hanging out with people at home.
God, I need healing here.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I've already grown accustomed to (or rather, immediately grew accustomed to) home life. Quiet life. I think in some sense I was really growing sick of it all the last couple of weeks or so - always feeling a need to see people, either from pressure or guilt by other people or just out of a desire to not have any regrets by the end of it. In fact by the last day in Berkeley I was almost ready to ragequit, cause I was really growing tired of people. Not everything about people, I realize now, but the baggage that comes with them. Conflict, issues left unresolved... and so on.
There was a time prior to college where I used to obsess about being around people. Wherever there was stuff happening. I always had to be at least talking to someone, or out somewhere that wasn't home. It would get to the point where I'd feel depressed when I was stuck at home doing nothing. And now that college has come and gone... I feel like I've overdone being around people to the point where I feel fine being alone for at least a good while now.
I realize that I have this bad tendency to overdo things in general when I attempt them. Overwork myself till I burn out. Overbinge on food or games or shows or whatever till I grow sick of it. Overdo being around people. I never seem to be able to find balance in my life because I'm so used to overdoing things now, that I feel like I'm not doing enough if I'm not overdoing it. Or I'm just really impatient and feeling like I can't get things done without overdoing them. Yes, this thought comes just after binging on two Pokemon game runthroughs in the last week and a half, because I don't have the patience to continue playing Pokemon for an entire month even. I'm done with Pokemon for a good while now (last time I binged was two years ago).
This inability to balance my life out... is the source of much of the personal issues I have right now. Lifestyle issues. And it scares me to think of what might happen once I start living alone, for I don't have that much faith in my ability to control myself once I feel the temptation to just binge on things, whether out of impatience or compulsion. As much as I hate to admit it, I need accountability.
When will I be able to say, enough is enough? When I can be okay with not being productive, but still be productive sometimes? With not always seeing people... but still want to see people?
There was a time prior to college where I used to obsess about being around people. Wherever there was stuff happening. I always had to be at least talking to someone, or out somewhere that wasn't home. It would get to the point where I'd feel depressed when I was stuck at home doing nothing. And now that college has come and gone... I feel like I've overdone being around people to the point where I feel fine being alone for at least a good while now.
I realize that I have this bad tendency to overdo things in general when I attempt them. Overwork myself till I burn out. Overbinge on food or games or shows or whatever till I grow sick of it. Overdo being around people. I never seem to be able to find balance in my life because I'm so used to overdoing things now, that I feel like I'm not doing enough if I'm not overdoing it. Or I'm just really impatient and feeling like I can't get things done without overdoing them. Yes, this thought comes just after binging on two Pokemon game runthroughs in the last week and a half, because I don't have the patience to continue playing Pokemon for an entire month even. I'm done with Pokemon for a good while now (last time I binged was two years ago).
This inability to balance my life out... is the source of much of the personal issues I have right now. Lifestyle issues. And it scares me to think of what might happen once I start living alone, for I don't have that much faith in my ability to control myself once I feel the temptation to just binge on things, whether out of impatience or compulsion. As much as I hate to admit it, I need accountability.
When will I be able to say, enough is enough? When I can be okay with not being productive, but still be productive sometimes? With not always seeing people... but still want to see people?
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