games of late

In which I put a lot of effort into venting my obsession of the week. >_>

-- The most recent Ace Attorney game (Dual Destinies) came out in Japan two days ago, and thus far I haven't quite spoiled myself on the culprits for the last two cases of the game yet... okay, I suck at not spoiling myself. This wait for the English version can't seem to end any sooner.

All I've done these past two days is massively obsess over the new game and start up a replay of Apollo Justice (just cause it's the last mainline game I haven't replayed yet) while listening to a livestream of someone playing the new game (and not watching the video so as to not spoil myself... all I'm hearing as I'm typing this now is chainsaw noises...) and refreshing the message boards every 5 minutes to see if anyone's posted anything new, while half-heartedly not trying to read everything... I know, it's sad.

If for some reason you own a DS/3DS and haven't played one of these games yet, PLAY IT. But I guess don't take my word for it because I'm automatically biased for this series by now... and if you've talked to me about games anytime in the past decade you've probably heard me gush about it enough already. But it really is a good series, particularly if you like solving murder mysteries with intense courtroom drama.

-- I finally finished Front Mission 5 earlier this week. I think in some senses it was a little overhyped for me, but at the same time it still definitely was the best game in the series and made for a great experience. Most of the things I found worth liking in the game were subtle: the updates to the battle system; the vast amount of mech and pilot customization options; the attention to detail in the setting and continuity established with previous games; as well as the overall maturity of the plot and its subject material, particularly the aftereffects of war on its participants, hence the subtitle Scars of the War. It's something you don't necessarily see often in war-based video games; the only other one that comes to mind for me right now is Spec Ops: The Line, and that game basically throws the subject in your face.

Due to the nature of how the plot progressed- time jumping forward across a series of scattered major world events- the story sometimes felt a bit jarring, and at one point I didn't realize that 9 years had passed within minutes because the character models didn't change at all to reflect it (and also because they were still talking as if 9 years hadn't passed...). Towards the end, I was feeling a sense of "that's it?" because it didn't feel like that much had actually happened before the final conflict, which I assume was a consequence of all the jumping. Without taking the time to reflect on the events that have happened, you don't really get a good sense of what's going on overall.

Likewise, the man antagonist barely had enough time to establish himself as it was; up till the end you get this sense that there's more to his backstory and motivations than what you've been presented (which I know to be true having read up on the external series material online), but as you're about to finish him off anyway it doesn't seem to matter anymore. At the end of the day he ends up acting just like another evil villain, which felt a bit disappointing- he had the potential to be a lot more interesting with the details we were given even in the game.

Overall, though, FM5 is a great game and worth checking out if you're into turn-based strategy games and looking for something different from the typical medieval fantasy fare they've been coming in lately. The real-world setting is a plus here, and I can't think of any other series that handles its strategy in the same way with the individual customizable mech parts with their own HP and the AP/leader link system among other things. It's also got good replay value in the form of New Game+ and Hard Mode, although I doubt I'll have time to get to those anytime soon. Just be sure to play at least the first game before this one, or else you'll feel even more lost in the story than I did trying to put the pieces together.

-- On a whim I also randomly started games in Shin Megami Tensei 4 and Shadowrun Returns this week, but I probably won't really get to those for a while.

I've also been randomly craving playing a fighting game (either Persona 4 Arena or Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom), a One Piece game that lets you play as Nami, Robin, Kuzan, Borsalino, and Law (incidentally, Pirate Warriors 2 pictured above comes out later this year...), and a round of Mario Kart on a Wii that I don't have. In short, I just feel like playing too many random games right now for no real reason. And it's kinda driving me crazy.

-- In the process of writing this I wound up making a list categorizing all of my favorite games in the order that said categories would excite me if a new game were to come out for them... because I spontaneously make lists like that sometimes. Okay, so I spend a large chunk of time just going back over stuff like this just cause. I've lost track of how much time I've spent... definitely too much.

But anyway, the full list of games is too long for here, but here's the list of the overall categories with favorite games from each in parentheses and links to relevant articles and retrospectives from Hardcore Gaming 101 and other sites as I could find them (which I'll admit I got carried away with looking up). Speaking of which, I love Hardcore Gaming 101; it's what got me into Ace Attorney and Front Mission years ago among other things thanks to its detailed series overviews. But anyway, I enjoy reading articles that give you a vast sweeping overview of games across a series and particularly across a developer's set of works. Consequently, a good majority of these categories wound up being the names of specific individuals or studios rather than just series names.

(I'll admit this list is more for my own personal reference than anything else. But I can attest that some of the links are probably good reads... particularly regarding the history of gaming, although this list is mostly eschewed towards adventure games and RPGs as usual.)

1. Chrono (Trigger; Cross)
2. Shu Takumi (Ace Attorney; Ghost Trick)
3. Ragnar Tornquist (The Longest Journey, Dreamfall)
4. Chris Avellone, Obsidian, and others (Planescape: Torment; Mask of the Betrayer; Fallout: New Vegas)
5. Tim Schafer (Day of the Tentacle; Grim Fandango; Psychonauts)
6. Telltale (Sam and Max: The Devil's Playhouse; The Walking Dead)
7. Wadjet Eye (The Blackwell Series; Gemini Rue; Primordia)
8. Hiroyuki Ito (FF6; FF9; FF12; FF Tactics)
9. Kotaro Uchikoshi (Ever17; Remember11; 999; Virtue's Last Reward)
10. Shigesato Itoi (Earthbound; Mother 3)
11. Ron Gilbert (Monkey Island; Putt-Putt; Pajama Sam; Spy Fox; The Cave)
12. Shin Megami Tensei (Persona 2; Digital Devil Saga)
13. Tales (Symphonia, Xillia)
14. Tetsuya Takahashi (Xenogears; Xenoblade)
15. Mario RPGs (Super Mario RPG; Paper Mario; The Thousand Year Door)
16. Golden Sun

Honorable Mentions:
1. Kingdom Hearts
I still have fond memories of the first game. Everything after has been kind of meh and the Xehanort plot is unnecessarily convoluted (and I still can't get over the fact that Xemnas just happens to be an anagram of Mansex...), although I'll admit the gameplay is still fun sometimes.
2. Front Mission
The only reason this isn't on the main list is because this series doesn't need anymore games. I hear Evolved was a major disappointment, although considering main director, Tsuchida, left Square already, I'm not surprised.
3. Major Nintendo Franchises
I enjoy playing mainline Mario, Zelda, Pokemon games and the like, but since I know they're always going to come out anyway, I don't feel too compelled to always play the next game in the series and I generally skip around a bit. Pokemon might be the one exception to the rule here, but I can only play a Pokemon game once every few years anyway before burning out on it. And planning my own team is unhealthy for my list obsession...

Anyways, next up: Fallout 2. And I should probably finish Tales of Graces F before Xillia comes out in two weeks.

Dream Post #49

1. I am witness to a 4-way battle on a platform? atop the mouth of a volcano between Kuzan (One Piece), Kakashi (Naruto), generic-giant-sword-man (???... but he apparently managed to break through Kuzan's ice body and give him severe burns. and reminds me of Jozu), and a hooded and caped Kyrie (...Hilgardia lol), who's wielding and swinging hooked-ropes in midair like Lin Beifong (Legend of Korra) and Spiderman (Spiderman) while countering Kakashi's ninja moves.

That was the most epic dream I've had in a long time, and I'm actually sad to have woken up in the middle of it. Go Kyrie.

2. Something something ->
learning a new lindy routine named after an animal (pig?) ->
outside a science museum in SF with Olivia, Andrew, James, and some girls I don't recognize ->
pogo sticks? ->
and next thing I know I'm apartment-mates with a friend of a friend I met recently.

This was probably an example of dreams being my brain trying to sort out past memories from a given time period. It's usually the day after though, not a while after...

on privilege.

My dream is to someday be like you, Ryan.

Okay, so that was said somewhat in jest and was partly a commentary of how much more like the "1%" I've been living right now (...ever since that one Halloween where I showed up to corn mazing in a suit). but still.

Ever since I've moved up here I've had this inkling sense, or more like a pang of guilt in the back of my head that the life I have right now is something I don't deserve.

I was told recently that I had no pride for not feeling anything on knowing that someone with a less developed background than me could get a better pay in the same kind of field (given certain circumstances). Looking on it in retrospect, it's more like I already feel like I'm getting too much as it is, and I honestly don't care how much more other people make than me. It just happens that the field I work in is in demand, because how much you get paid has less to do with the sophistication of your work or educational background and more to do with whether people happen to need what you're doing right now (and with the tech industry that's a whole different story).

And that said, I know too many people with much better work ethics, who have had to struggle with a lot more setbacks in the process to even just get by. People who don't have the luxury of not having to worry about living paycheck-to-paycheck or paying off student loans or debts or how to get to work or other places everyday because they have a car and a smartphone handy. People who don't have the option of having a whole place to themselves and not have to worry about roommate issues or rent or even bad or noisy roommates and neighbors. (my neighborhood is mostly silent aside from the ambient machines at night. I live next to a construction site that only makes noise during the day and the parking lot of AMD.)

And as much as I would love to be able to attribute the point where I'm at right now to my own hard work and perseverance... I can't. Or at least not completely or even mostly for that matter. I somehow had the luck to have been born into the right family, in the right time and place, in the right state of the right country (all right, I'm heavily biased in favor of California), into a good combination of race and socio-economic standing and somehow got lucky with my choice of college and major/field of work combination and somehow managed to land a decent job, with a family that could support me with the choices I made. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much my parents have managed to safeguard me from every potential life setback I might've had to deal with and even now still continue to do so. All in exchange for simply being a "good son."

I'm not going to make this a full rant or output of what I happen to personally think about the verdict that came out over the weekend like others have already done, although that in some sense has been tangentially related to this. It was difficult to just read a lot of the reactions that have come out, but the point of the matter being, inequality has become more of a touchy subject for me ever since college, to read about and discuss and see happen everyday if I choose to notice it. Since ethnic identity small group, even though we might not have gone into that much depth on it that often. And since meeting people with lot more variety in background than the few friends I had back home... which was part of the reason I wanted to get the hell out of there in the first place. Not that I hated it down there- I just couldn't see myself living the rest of my life in that setting.

Of course, turning my face away from signs of privilege doesn't take away the fact that I still am privileged. My current living situation pretty much establishes that I'm under the hold of and completed indebted to my family (and gives certain people even more incentive to call me "rich boy"), and my everyday concerns as of late have mostly revolved around "what will I do after work this week" or "what should I eat today" among other things. I have relatively little to complain about my job compared to some of my friends. I've pretty much got enough space to myself to do whatever I feel like, which is kind of a haven for a total introvert like me. My biggest expenses these days tend to revolve around books because I finally have a bookshelf oh wait I need another one, or engagements with people like eating out or seeing theater productions or other stuff, and people have called me out for being fancy and going out everywhere all the time.

Why are you surprised? This is Ryan we're talking about.

I feel almost tentative or hesitant about inviting people over to my place, even though it'd be a great idea, because- particularly with church folks or people who I know through those circumstances- I don't want to be judged by how much I have. Even with the friends that have been to my family's house back in socal, it took one look for one of them to remark, "This explains a lot," which became applicable again when we went walking downtown. And I don't entirely know what "a lot" would mean in this context, but it's probably not that hard to guess. I wasn't fazed too much by it at the time, but the further that time passes, the more that it keeps coming back as a reminder of how different my upbringing has been from even the people I hang out with now.

It's in part because of the way I grew up that I've felt hesitant to try and engage in a community further removed from my economic status. In a decent church context it sometimes is a bit easier to do so, but it doesn't always work out that well in practice without certain preparation which is another story. This might mostly stem from my own personal apprehension, though... because of how jarring it would be to move back and forth between my privileged life at home and the world of the impoverished, and because I was raised to distrust strangers and random folks on the street and those who tend to be in want of money. But wouldn't it make more sense to follow that calling that everyone else talks about, to give up what I have and live in community with those in need?

Yes, I know it's not as simple as that. Inequality is a complex problem with no easy or one-size-fits-all sufficient solution, that is further enforced by the environment we live in and the systems that we have set up. My privileged life is but one small cog in a machine that seeks to preserve itself at the expense of the opportunity of others, so long as I continue to allow it to function that way. These are ideas or personal truths so to speak that have somehow ingrained in my head over time through the influence of the opinions of others, through personal experiences since college and just paying attention every once in a while. And yet I continue on, occasionally wondering what the hell am I doing with my life because where I am now doesn't fit in with the ideals I built up for myself over the years, but otherwise living life complacently from the comforts of my home. I remember saying I wanted to be "stable but not stagnant" a few years ago, and now the second-half reverse of that has come true just like some stupid self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'll admit that this guilt and my desire to distance myself from my position of privilege is largely pride-motivated, because of all of the times I've been called out by friends and others alike for being rich or part of the 1% or whatever, and seriously guys please stop it I get it already. But part of it is also because some of the people I've admired the most have had less to make do with (or quite frankly, been poorer) than me, and after all Jesus did say, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." And it makes sense. Those who have had less in life have had insight into truths and a wisdom greater than the rest of us aspiring middle-class folks could fathom, and I've only heard this mostly second-hand from people who genuinely do care for and interact with them.

This privilege and opportunities I've had up to this point have been a gift, a present I don't particularly deserve more than anyone else but borne off of the hard labor and luck of my family and circumstances that even they didn't have full control over. And it ought to be something I can use not merely to benefit my own life, but to work against the disparity and injustice that I see regularly when I actually pay attention properly. It's my hope that I don't continue to live in this constant sense of guilt or shame for having more, but that I can actually do something good because of it.

I just need the focus and the planning and the direction right now... and I say this while my head is still abuzz from playing Front Mission 5 last night and wanting to see what happens next already as I finally finished the Kiribati section and am now in the Indochina conflict. Bah, wants, needs, decisions, priorities, and blog posts. What a messy combination. And how is it dinnertime already?

So I let my mind wander a bit and that's how easy it is to be distracted from your life goals. But alas, I've got work to do.

(Berlin post is on the way soon. Just been lazy about uploading for the past while... I'll get to it.)

Dream Post #48

Last night I dreamed that I went rock climbing with Jade and Olivia, only to find myself stranded in SF and pickpocketed and losing all my credit cards, and in my panic unable to write down any phone numbers I looked up on my phone because I was so nervous and kept having to erase what I wrote.

The night before that, dreamed that my family and I were about ready to go to hell (which is in Greece if you didn't know), until at the last minute when I said "oh wait, I still have to live right now" and was allowed to pass by and go to the restroom where we somehow lost Mom and got trapped at that port in Greece forever.

I hate my dreams nowadays.

Gent, Belgium

On first day out, we stopped at the town of Zeebrugge in Belgium. In retrospect there wasn't really a whole lot to see compared to the other ports- I think it was meant to be more of an intro/lighter port seeing as how it was the day after we boarded, and in fact some of the passengers actually boarded from Belgium, but I was sort of caught up in the excitement of it being the first site to see that I didn't care much. Zeebrugge is more of a port/industrial town with only a few tourist sites that we passed by on the bus; the actual tour that we took this day was to Gent (Ghent? the locals seem to spell it without the h), about an hour away, for a rather pretty but short hour long canal ride through the city. (the only thing I remember about the bus ride was not seeing any moving cars anywhere... but it was Sunday morning and Belgian people like to sleep in too.)

About to take a TAXIBOOT.

One of the passengers from Belgium told us about college [which sounded like high school] and gymnasium [which sounded like college], except I have no idea how accurate that actually is considering I just tried to look it up and I don't see any sign of it. One of those might actually have been trade/vocational school, though.

A lot of the sights in Belgium actually foreshadowed or marked the beginning of trends that I'd notice recur repeatedly in later ports; I suppose in part a sign of how the people of Europe are pretty closely related to each other even though their nationhoods are distinct. Distance wise, this trip felt like traveling from the west to the east coast of the US, only everyone speaks a different language and culturally share less in common even though they still share something. I think I was more surprised by the number of trends that repeated themselves.

Examples:

- Windmills. Lots and lots of windmills, some seemingly over the ocean.

- Also in the picture, really gloomy weather. It rained at every single port in the trip at some point during the day.

- Canals in the city. I really wish there were more cities in America nearby that had canals like the ones in each of the cities we visited. They make everything so pretty.

- Shared religious heritage. Christianity has had a major impact on the development of each of the countries we visited, and incidentally the majority of the tourist sites we visited happened to be cathedrals. Belgium was actually one of the few places where we didn't enter a cathedral, but in place of that we did pass by an old monastery on the canal. The majority denominations of the areas we visited were either Protestant (particularly Lutheran, since the Reformation happened in Germany) or Eastern Orthodox, moreso the latter the closer we got to Russia. What few Catholic churches we came across had been converted for use by the other denominations, but I'll get to that  in a later post.

- St. Michael beating the dragon. This motif shows up in multiple countries; I'll point it out a couple of times later if I can find more pics. The first time I saw this sculpture, I misconstrued what the tour guide said (as he'd been talking about a different subject seconds before) as "the patron saint of the monastic beer brewers of Belgium, St. Michael, beating a dragon." Or maybe the beer brewers of Belgium did decide to adopt Michael as their patron saint after all. The reference itself is to Michael the archangel defeating the dragon during the war in heaven in the book of Revelation.

- Technically a combination of the last two, but reinterpreting Christian motifs and symbols within the country's cultural context. Which for Belgium's case I guess is the beer brewers and their patron saint. Belgians really love their beer. (and their chocolate and their waffles.)

- Odd expressions of egotism in history. I just thought of this one on the spot, and I say odd because... well, it might just be the fact that I grew up in a different age/culture, but some of the things the medieval Europeans did are just plain weird or crazy.

- non-handicap friendly restrooms and sites. I don't know how all of the wheelchair-bound people we saw on the ship got around at the ports... well technically, there were handicap friendly excursions available for purchase, but most of the major sites they mention at these ports aren't exactly that, so I dunno what they'd end up seeing.

- Families of ducks. okay, maybe just because I'm weird and love taking pictures of ducks. Just wait till we get to Copenhagen...

Anyways, this tour was the shortest one of the trip as it mostly consisted of the canal ride. I wasn't taking notes or too many photos at this point so I'll just note some of the random things I saw on the boat besides the ones already mentioned:

they have to cut the branches off the trees every year, or else the trees die. don't quite understand how that works naturally... unless they've just been trying to prolong the lifespan of these trees so that it looks pretty/ordered.

"and to your left you will see a naked man about to jump off." totally confused the hell out of me at first. (it's a statue.)

"and a naked woman on the other side."

replica of a barge used back in the day. apparently this one was horse drawn. O_o (and in other cases the guide mentioned the captain having his wife tow the boat because it was cheaper than a horse.)

open air book market on a Sunday morning along the canal. I wish I were over there right now.

I believe this used to be a Catholic monastery. during the iconoclast riots after the Reformation they threw books out of the windows (or I'm guessing anything with an icon on it. because Protestants hate icons.) to the point where it was apparently possible to walk across the canal without getting your feet wet. also was converted to a textile factory afterwards.

guide says this is a good chocolate store in belgium. take note.

to paraphrase the guide: typical Belgium, showcases a cannon that doesn't actually work properly and is more dangerous to stand behind of when firing than in front of.

the castle of the counts. inspired by the castles of other countries, the count (Philip of Alsace) came back from the second crusade and decided to build one for himself to showcase his... ferociousness or something. except it was too cold to live in so it only got used for administrative purposes while he slept somewhere else. and eventually got converted into a textile factory like every other historical building in this city.

After the canal tour, we had an hour of free time to explore an area around the center of the city called Korenlei... which happened to have a few chocolate shops (not pictured.)

view of the square at Korelei.

bathroom break at the Meat House.

we passed by a glass enclosure (on the left) of belgian people eating lunch who stared back awkwardly at us as we gaped about trying to find the restroom... which was upstairs and had absolutely no lights, so it was almost impossible to see anything save for the one window in the public sink area.

no trip to belgium is complete without having actual belgian waffles. in belgium! oh and I almost got run over by a street bus as I was running over to this window. seriously, who puts public transit tracks directly in front of a vendor like this? granted, there were no sidewalks here as the streets were entirely cobblestone.

all I recall here is something about a fish market where people used to bury their dead underneath because there was a church next door, and they believed that the closer you were buried to a church the more likely you would end up in heaven... which meant discovering a bunch of skeletons in a bad condition in the basement here centuries later. the church next door also smelled really badly because of all the dead bodies buried beneath it - only the filthy rich could afford to be buried there, so naturally it smelled like filth.

another view of Korenlei from the bridge.

And then we got back on the canal for the last stretch to head back to the bus.

I have no idea what this is but it looks pretty.

Another view of the barge from the opposite side.

All in all, it was a pretty decent tour, even though it wasn't as long or involving as the ones that followed in later days. Considering how long it took to make this post, though, I have no idea how the later ports are going to turn out. -_-

I decided to make a Flickr account (1 terabyte of storage for free is pretty cool) to upload and organize the pics this time. I didn't include all of them in this post, so the link to the full set will be added at the end of this and subsequent posts. I'm somewhat dreading St. Petersburg now...

But anyway, next stop: Berlin!

full photoset.

Cruising through Northern Europe

I'm back from Europe!

Oh in case I forgot to mention (kinda meant to post something but never got around to it), I was in Europe on a cruise with family the last two weeks. It was pretty great. Or rather awesome just for the fact that it was Europe. Cruises have their pros and cons traveling wise, which I will get to in a bit.

This particular cruise was a 14 night trip around Northern Europe. The schedule:

Day 1: Southhampton, England
2: Zeebrugge, Belgium (took a tour to Gent)
3: At Sea
4: Waarnemunde, Germany (took a tour to Berlin)
5: At Sea
6: Stockholm, Sweden
7: Helsinki, Finland
8+9: St. Petersburg, Russia
10: Tallinn, Estonia
11: At Sea
12: Copenhagen, Denmark
13+14: At Sea
15: back at Southhampton to transfer to flight home

-during which I had little to no internet access because the going rate on the ship itself was $.75/minute and we were too cheap to bother with that. Technically a few of the ports had free wi-fi, but the speed wasn't really sufficient enough to do much except to receive emails and not respond to them... and check Google Reader. Speaking of which, I should probably switch to an alternative now that the "ends on July 1st" messages keep popping up...

I'll probably do an individual post for ports later, but for now I'll talk about the cruise itself. Being on a cruise is basically like being on a glorified hotel in the middle of the ocean... It's quite nice. I guess if you're prone to motion sickness, then it's probably not a good idea, and even though the ship is large enough that it doesn't rock back and forth as much while traveling (some days I didn't even notice the ship was moving), it is still possible to get seasick if you aren't accustomed to it. Luckily it wasn't a problem for us this time around, though.

But aside from that, you basically get free (or rather, already paid for) meals on the ship if you stick to the buffet or the main dining restaurant. There's a show every night in the main theater which you can see if you feel like it; casinos are open to anyone over age 18 on the ship; and there's lots of lounges and a few pools and a fitness center and a spa and some other facilities on the ship, with activities hosted by the cruise staff going on everyday. To be honest, I'm more of the type who prefers to relax in the stateroom during an at sea day unless a particular event catches my interest. Someone asked before I left, "Doesn't it get boring?" because you can only do so much on a boat that's at sea... well, I guess it depends on how you prefer to entertain yourself. I've sort of grown used to somehow finding something to do wherever whenever.

I noticed this time around that the majority demographic of the cruisegoers were elderly white people... of course. Although considering that we departed from England and the majority of the other passengers were from the UK itself, it makes sense. It kinda made it so that I didn't feel as inclined to participate in much of the activities going on, though - it's easy to stand out when you don't match the typical demographic of the audience. There were a decent number of teenagers also, probably there with their families, that I'd notice hanging out throughout the ship, which I presume was through the teen club they have on board. It's odd how quickly cliques can form on a two week cruise...

The one thing I like about cruises is that it gives you the ability to visit lots of different destinations at once without having to worry about outstanding traveling costs in a short span of time. 7 countries in two weeks is no small feat if you're traveling by plane/land, and plus you normally would have to worry about finding lodging and figuring out food at each place you visit. At least with a cruise, you just have to worry about making it back to the ship on time, but otherwise you've got a place to stay and food covered for the entire trip.

On the other hand, the fact that you visit so many places in such a short time span means that you spend a lot less time at each individual place, mostly around 5-10 hours per destination/country, which isn't really a lot of time to appreciate each place on its own. Often for the sake of time, our tour bus had to pass by a lot of places without stopping, so I had to settle for taking pictures of some major sites from the window of a moving bus, which generally caused them not to turn out so well a lot. You end up having to practice being able to take decent pictures while moving... which isn't a skill that comes up much for most people I would think. Even with St. Petersburg, where we had an extra day, I felt like I didn't have enough time to fully appreciate it. I've already got a list running in my head of things that I want to do there when/if I ever go back, but that probably won't be for years at least.

[The other thing I don't like is being force-fed so much food all the time. If you're lacking in self control (eh heh) it's really easy to go overboard with the eating since there's so much food available. I mean, I was eating more at breakfast than I usually have at home for lunch/dinner sometimes, and that's not including lunch/dinner on the cruise... But alas.]

I'm probably going to do an individual post per port, perhaps with some pictures and captions included. I was debating whether or not I wanted to just upload an album with captions as appropriate, but there's too many pictures than I'm comfortable with uploading and some things I'd want to write don't fit with any particular picture, so I'll probably end up writing more of summary anyway. I took notes on the tours in order to alleviate the inevitable "what the hell did I take a picture of" moments and also because some of our tour guides spouted enough information to fit an encyclopedia, and I like keeping track of random knowledge. This vacation in particular was a lot more history oriented than past vacations I've been on tour-wise- especially St. Petersburg, which ironically happened to be the youngest city we visited (founded in the 1700's)- so I have a lot more to write about than usual... but what can I say, I love history.

[as a side note, I also managed to finish 3 books, a few Gundam anime, and got somewhere midway through the newest Fire Emblem during the downtime on the plane trips and on the ship... but yeah. I also feel randomly inspired to read lots of 19th century Russian literature now.]

limitations

This doesn't pertain to anything recent other than a random thought train in my head during a long car ride.

I sometimes wonder how different I'd be if I didn't have certain biological limitations. Like the following. 

- I never felt encouraged or motivated enough to actively pursue activities like running or hiking up high altitudes because I have asthma that seems to only manifest after strenuous activities. Actually, the last time I went hiking up a steep slope at Lake Tahoe, I almost blacked out after the first climb. Luckily, we were forced to take a break because of an ongoing bicycle race on the trail we were taking, but thereafter I lagged behind the rest of the group with a friend for most of the upward hike because it constantly felt like someone had dropped a medium sized weight on my chest every time I took a step, and it hurt to breathe even after medication the entire time until we finally got back down to the base 8 hours later. There was also that time with my cousin's wedding in the mountains in fifth grade when I genuinely thought I was going to die because I couldn't breathe.

I'm too afraid of tackling any higher climbs in the meantime. That said, I think I would appreciate it a lot more if I could. Pain or not, Tahoe was a beautiful sight.

- The last allergy test I took... or rather, analysis of a blood sample, told me that I was allergic to dust and pollen (as usual), household mold (also common), and every type of tree and grass on the list (ugh). But not animals- although I remember a classmate's dog in middle school triggered my allergies really badly... but it did seem to shed hair nonstep- and thankfully not food, including peanut butter, which I thought I was allergic to in elementary school because of that poking test and ever since have never really liked much (but since college I like eating peanuts by themselves now). 

I don't have any life-threatening allergies, luckily, but I guess I'm so used to sneezing at home and at work now that I don't really pay attention to my allergies unless it leads to something really annoying like barely being able to keep my eyes open while driving. I think the reaction my eyes develop from daily allergies in particular is one of the reasons for my eye-damage phobia and why I cannot apply eye drops for the life of me; my eyes refuse to stay open even if I'm trying to force them to... and I refuse to even consider contacts for that reason. That and I HATE the air puff test they do at the optometrist. The assistant administering it almost gave up on me one time because I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough for the puff to go in, and the device felt like it was getting dangerously close to my eye so I was mentally starting to panic.

Okay, semi-rant done.

- Alcohol. I don't mind having a drink just to be social, but I can't really partake in drinking games (or drinking much of anything) for personal and biological reasons. My heart rate rises to an uncomfortable level after a little more than 1 drink and I can feel my head pulse. More than that, and I develop a really severe headache that feels more like a terrible migraine. Last time this happened (after having already consumed 8 cups of water), I had to lie down because my head hurt too much to stand up. This naturally also makes me really antisocial... or as I described it to one person, exacerbates a sociability problem that I already feel like I have around people.

The second to last time this happened (which led to... this post), I had a moment of self-awareness of "what am I doing here?" The friends I came with had disappeared somewhere at the venue we were at, so I wound up walking outside to get a fresh breath of air as I couldn't bear to be in that atmosphere much longer, only to run into some other people I knew outside in a moment when I didn't feel like being seen. So after a few minutes of hesitation, I went on an impulsive walk around the block, with my conscious screaming, "what are you doing stop this." Back in college, I'd had a few moments like this (not involving alcohol) where I ran out of the apartment out of frustration into the wilderness that is northside Berkeley (I swear I almost ran into a mountain lion on the street on one of these excursions, but Ryan still doesn't believe me). This was just like those... that momentary hesitation, the voice in my head telling me not to go but my body moving anyway, feeling like something was controlling me and causing me to run against my will even though part of me did want to escape from wherever I was at that moment.

And of course worrying whoever I happened to be with in the process. I got yelled at when I came back ("you almost made us search for you all over SF.") and I deserved it.  I didn't actually wander far - just circled around the block and sat on a stump around the corner and tried to talk to God for a while. To some people it probably sounds crazy... but I hadn't really done it for a long time either. and I suppose I really needed it at that moment. But on the car ride back I felt incredibly ashamed and upset with my own behavior afterwards.

Does it make you think that something is wrong with you? Because you don't feel like you can fit in?

I guess since then, I've tended to avoid most engagements that likely involve more alcohol than I'd be comfortable with (...more than 1 drink) if I can help it - because I don't trust my own behavior in those circumstances and I'd rather not cause other people to worry about me again. So yeah, something like a Vegas trip isn't really an option. I've wondered sometimes, if I could actually tolerate it more, would I be more like some of my other friends and actually partake in drinking festivities more often? Maybe.

Although I'm more for all things in moderation anyway. There's also the moral concerns that come with it from a Christian perspective that I've tended to feel ambivalent about with regards to the behavior of other people, perhaps in part because I find some people really entertaining when they're drunk. (...cow-children hehehe. although that wasn't even a drinking party.) But there is good reason not to go too far, and I've never really bought into the concept of drinking for the sake of getting drunk/wasted otherwise. Or maybe I'm just saying that to justify my inability to drink much and preference not to. But really, I tend to not find it worth it.

All said and done, I am the sum of my parts and circumstances, and I think it's probably better that way. To still be thankful for the things that make you who you are, even when it isn't apparently convenient for you... it's something I still have to work on.