I should be sleeping right now if I want to keep in line with the plan I have for tomorrow (first church service, meet up with Sammy, go home and get dressed for Anton and Laura's wedding and then wedding the rest of the evening), but I don't feel inclined to do so right now.
I don't feel like doing anything else aside from this actually, because I haven't written or even tried to write anything in months owing to a self-perceived lack of time available to write, or that is to say, write without sacrificing time to sleep or do other activities and errands, lest I fall behind in whatever my day-to-day-to-long-term schedule is.
It's gotten to the point where having to meet up or even talk with people, take out the trash, do dishes, do laundry, clean the house, show up and be present at work, and so on, feels burdensome and tiring... let alone the usual long-term needs like addressing my long-term professional and life goals, [lack-of a] love life, and coming to terms with whatever this quarter/spiritual/identity-life crisis I've been going through is.
The things I get distracted or preoccupied by: games, shows, music, books, podcasts and news, travel-planning, bookstores and museums, learning new things; these are all hobbies I enjoy regularly, but have focused on (read: made to-do lists of) unhealthily to the point where it would take me years to get through the combination of all of them without even taking into account normal life functions like those listed in the last paragraph. I've curated those lists to the point where I don't ever have an excuse to be "bored," because I always have something I could be doing that happens to line up with both an existing list and my current mood (and I can only have so many different kinds of moods before they start to cyclically repeat themselves. Right now I'm in a Fire Emblem/podcast/read-this-long-ass-article mood.)
And then in the back of my mind, real-life starts to kick in, and I remember that I too have life-responsibilities I need to keep up with:
- this project at work with an upcoming deadline that needs attention because everything that could go wrong feels like it's going wrong right now (although not all of it is my problem, and in fact I'm probably the least stressed on my team on that front).
- this upcoming open-ended small group that I have to prep for leading this week... and for which I still haven't figured out what I want to do yet because the ideas I have in mind need at least a week for me to prepare mentally, and I don't actually have a week because my family is coming up.
- speaking of which, this home I need to clean up for family coming up because I haven't unpacked or sorted out anything or done the dishes even since I got back from my trip a month ago.
- this wedding (the first of 6 this season) that I need to figure out how to dress for because my formal-attire wardrobe is out-of-date, because I've been losing weight (just cause I felt like it although I kind of also have body-image issues; stop telling me how skinny I look already) and never really had my suits fitted to begin with because I never normally need to dress up anyway, and the stuff my parents left me feels 4 sizes too large compared with my current fashion-taste/mood (and whoever invented the concept of formal attire should just go die in a fiery pit in hell ugh fml firstworldproblems nohashtaghashtags unnecessarystress depression)
- these friends I have to try to make some time for so that I don't look like I'm falling off the edge of the earth right now and I wonder sometimes how I can still function in front of them.
- these therapy sessions that I never seem to have the right thoughts prepared for because whenever I'm actually at therapy, that means I successfully got out of bed in the morning and was able to prepare to go to work (not that I haven't yet but still), so whatever frantic thoughts I'm feeling now feel completely alien to me then.
tl;dr: When I was running down the stairs tonight to head out for my friend's bachelor party-dinner/frantically running back up the stairs to look for the things I usually forget or misplace, like my keys or water-bottle or phone or jacket and it takes multiple trips to get everything, because (as my mom says) I'm scatter-brained and careless about where I put all of my possessions and can't even remember to put them in the same designated place every time, I collapsed in a heap in the middle of my stairway for about 5 minutes and broke down sobbing because I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take being, or trying to put on the air of being, an adult when I don't feel like I behave like one, because I am the opposite of everything I value/have internalized as value in an adult.
I haven't heard myself cry that like in a long time. Usually I don't listen to myself when I cry (because I'm generally not self-aware enough to), but it was jarring to be able to both hear myself cry on a meta-consciousness level AND actually be engaged in the act of crying at the same time, all while drowning in the onslaught of thoughts I couldn't even entirely form into words yet:
- thoughts about how not "on top of things" I was (the way my old college roommate Jason used to put it) and how out-of-place I felt in the wider scheme of adult life when trying to buy my suit today and the (possibly-imagined) funny looks I got from the attendants for my lack of familiarity with all things formal fashion.
- thoughts coming from moments of feeling both alienated in the presence of others and unable to relate to their normal everyday experiences because my empathic senses lately have been out-of-whack and mostly self-centered. (Yes, that sounds nice but that has nothing to do with what I'm feeling right now.)
- thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and futility whenever anyone these days tries to ask me about my work and love life, because ultimately I haven't exhibited any sense of ambition or desire in those parts of my life lately, and haven't really in a long time, and I don't know why outside of a growing sense of being unable to force myself into that mindset of really wanting those things. I don't want anything right now other than the little things I already am pursuing, things that generally matter little to most other people anyway.
- thoughts of anger and frustration:
-- at the way my life itself feels artificially constructed from a combination of my baser impulses and societally imposed life goals (love, job, house, family), rather than what I really want, even though what I really want is still ill-defined right now.
-- at my general inefficiency in time management when it comes to simple things like shopping for clothes for myself (spent 6 hours today although half that time was figuring out where to go/eat) or leaving the house in the morning because I never know where I put things a half-day or a half-hour or a half-minute ago.
- thoughts of paranoia, that something is fundamentally broken or sick in my head right now because what normally functioning person breaks down uncontrollably right before attending a normal social function and successfully gets away with it without anyone noticing
- and don't even talk to me about God right now (I know I've said this here before but this still holds), because I have so many other unresolved problems with God and the church and basically the world at large (enough to fill up another 5-page long letter like the one I already sent my pastor earlier this year), that I'd have to address first before even considering bringing this up. (This John Oliver video, while not directly related, captures a similar sense of the frustration I feel, including my inability to trust my own feelings in dealing with any of this because my own feelings and emotions are fickle and at odds with reality.)
Don't ask me if I'm okay if you've read this post, because at this point I wouldn't know what else to say any more than what's already been said here (and I'm not suicidal, just existentially depressed). During the dinner tonight I was wrestling with conflicting emotions, happy (because the company and food were great), sad (because of earlier) and confusion at my own state of being because I don't know how to behave outwardly in that situation, other than to simply react to whatever's happening around me as I normally would. Sometimes I wonder what it would really take to make me crumble in front of other people, because I've somehow managed to survive for this long despite all internal mind-spasms to the contrary.
And I apologize if you're one of those people who've complained to me in the past about never talking/hanging out/reaching out anymore. Perhaps I'm doing a good job of putting on the air that I'm busy (well technically, I am busy too; see above), but lately I've been lacking the capacity to really initiate things with people unless it was already convenient to do so, like people who I already see around on a regular basis cause of circumstance anyway.
These days whenever I have free time to myself, I've been selfishly guarding it because I can only behave normally in front of people for so many hours in a given week. That and I can't handle the uncertainty of texts with no response right now (oh god I'll never survive online dating at this rate if/when I start). Even something as simple as a delayed overnight response about ordering dinner the next day made me go into fuck-this-I-hate-dealing-with-people mode for a few hours this week. No hard feelings towards that person, just towards the evil necessity that is the institution of texting and instant messaging at large, even though I am just as flaky at responding to people given that I can only respond when I am in the right "mood" and therefore am a hypocrite.
And with that, I need to sleep now if I'm going to survive tomorrow. This is why I haven't been blogging these days even though the process of writing this out feels somewhat cathartic. Good night.
Actually, I'm getting tired of ending my posts the same way every time, so I'll finish this by noting that the noise my air conditioner makes (especially at night) feels uncomfortably like the sensation of falling down a seemingly never-ending but possibly definite pit. Not that I've ever done so myself, but I've experienced something close to it at some point in the half-awake/half-asleep state while in bed in the past, which typically leads me to wake up in a jolt, because who likes the sensation of precariously falling and not knowing the moment when they'll crash into the floor.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Thursday, April 21, 2016
the state of things
Haven't felt like publishing anything these days because I'm not satisfied with what I end up with, as usual. I need more time in life for this stuff. Sigh.
In-person conversations these past few months have been great on the other hand; always open to talking with people. Thanks to everyone who's listened. :)
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Now, where were we again?
For lack of a more cohesive thought process and the sake of time, I'm just going to throw things on here that may or may not be related to each other but are relevant to whatever's been going on with me of late. Or perhaps "for years," as one of my friends has put it.
- Imposter syndrome. and simply being apathetic about the day-to-day process, and even on those days where I'm productive at work, wondering what's the point of it all. The things I actually feel like doing (like writing, as I am right now) are not financially productive enough for me to just give up whatever else I ought to be doing right now.
- That night Jade and I walked the streets of Manhattan and I picked out a set of husky earmuffs. To phrase it in terms not actually used in the conversation because I already forgot exactly what we said, questioning the narratives that have been placed in front of us because they conflict with the way we approach life-- just what are we really striving for? And the conundrum that comes knowing that we are able to experience these issues now because of our having already achieved in life what others have had to spent a lifetime to achieve, or in other words, because of our privilege.
- I'm sick of the phrase, "what does it mean to" + ________ + ?, even though it comes up in church all the time. Or just Christianese lingo in general. My therapist made a comment today about how he doesn't like using the word "sin" in a therapy context because it's such a loaded term that can mean different things depending on who you talk to, since not everyone has the same understanding of it, and I wholeheartedly agree.
- Oh, and therapy's been great. Just a little too short and too expensive for my liking given that I could probably talk about my problems all day and not for 50 minutes a session, and it's not an end-all kind of treatment like you might expect. But it's been nice to have someone who can provide insight and constructive feedback in an understanding and non-judgmental way.
- I think I've spent more money on clothes in the past couple of months than I did in the past few years. Lately I've been thinking about things (like fashion and dating) that I never really had much consideration for years ago. I feel like I've just been maturing really late or something in those respects.
- If societal pressure/expectations weren't an issue, I would be okay with being single for the rest of my life. Not that I don't want a relationship, but I don't see a relationship as the end-all that other people apparently see it as. (And don't throw "man was not made to be alone" at me when Paul also advocates for celibacy in 1 Corinthians. Or for that matter, just don't throw out-of-context verses at me in general, when people have been debating on the proper meaning of these things for ages.)
Most of the time when I do something alone, the thought that sometimes goes through my mind is, "it would be nice if someone else were here," but NOT "it would be better if someone else were here." Having another person there introduces a whole other set of concerns and situations that are probably equal, but not necessarily better to me. Some of the happiest moments I experienced in the past year happened when I was alone, honestly, and I couldn't imagine another person appreciating those moments the same way I did... or at least, another person out of all the people I know currently, best friends included.
- People have asked me lately what I've been looking for in an SO. I honestly can't tell off-the-bat because I'm just not automatically attracted to most females I meet for the first time (cue conversation for another time, or feel free to ask me), and I have a much easier time discerning what I don't like than what I do like. But I guess one thing, in light of the conversations I've had lately: it would be nice to find someone who can keep up with an intellectual discussion and eventually formulate their own opinion about it, even if they don't know anything going in. (Yes, I like having fun, stupid conversations too, but I can have those any day of the week. The more interesting, thoughtful conversations-- those have been more rare for me lately.)
- On a semi-related note, the problem I have with the typical church-goer is that a lot of people are looking to be told how they should live, simply because the Bible or their pastor says so, rather than really reflecting on why that is so and whether they actually think it makes sense for themselves. If they can at least contemplate why someone outside the church would see things completely differently from it, and in a way that doesn't automatically see the other worldview as inferior, then that'd be a good place to start.
I will admit that I am easily prone to judging people who say things that come across as bigoted or lacking in understanding, though, when their real opinion might be more nuanced or thought-out than it appears to be. But regardless, I'm finding myself in this position where I'm finding being Christian to be more of a turn-off in a person than it is something to spark interest, or at least in the average case. But being antitheist/apatheist/lacking any interest in religion isn't necessarily better to me either. As I put it to one friend, I think I'd have more in common with someone who used to be Christian-then left-then came back (the coming back part being optional). At least, it shows (hopefully) that the person put some thought into it.
- I don't like the way my family sometimes treats Christianity almost like a ritualistic, superstitious activity in itself, which actually is kind of a Chinese approach to religion the more I think about it. Pray before traveling; pray before a big meal; pray with your eyes closed for that matter; go to church every Sunday; take communion and put money into the tithing basket and clap; make sure you're actually singing during worship and listening to the message; "what if you're not baptized before you die?" and little things like that.
This is not something I would've figured out or really understood until I left home, but when you limit the extent of your religious behavior to making sure you're doing everything "correctly," without consideration for what exactly it is that makes your behavior "good," you limit the speaking and transformative power of your faith (not in its full context, I know, but I'm referring to Matthew 5:16 -- "In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." See also any of Jesus' interactions with the Pharisees). And you also reduce it to simply being a means for making yourself feel better about whatever lifestyle you're already living.
I think this is in part why a lot of youth get fed up with the religion of their parents and end up becoming either more fanatical/extremist or just leaving it altogether: because they expect that something as professedly life-transforming as a religion would actually reflect something genuinely better about its adherents' lives, and not just become another organized means of getting by in life or providing structure/purpose to it.
- Ironically, I still feel a compulsion to consult others for advice even though I profess being tired of being told by people what I should/shouldn't do (although I've technically been saying the latter since I was in elementary school; my family still makes fun of me for it). Or perhaps it should be: I'm tired of authority. I just want advice. And the right to not follow said advice without being ridiculed for it if I honestly think and feel differently about it.
- Wishing I could record the conversations I've been having in the past few months, because my memory's going and I haven't had much time to reflect on everything we've talked about.
- Paperman, Undertale, Hamilton, Michael Arden, and Beyonce's "Countdown" on repeat. I've also been getting back into hip hop again.
- The more I learn, the less certain I feel, the more fed up I am with people who expect me to have come to some decision or belief on things that are still hotly contested by tons of people today. The expectation to have had your life figured out by *insert arbitrary age of true adulthood here*:
18? didn't know shit.
21? still didn't know shit, or shit about life in the real world anyway.
25? ugh, I still felt like 22 was last year. and I still didn't know shit, though in part because I wanted to enjoy other things in life that I never got to fully appreciate before because school and other commitments but mainly school.
But really. Politics? Religious beliefs? Professional direction? Sexual and relational identity? Lifestyle?
All of these things take time and years of continuous experiences to have developed a substantially meaningful stance on, and, I feel like it's taken me years longer to figure these things out than familial/social expectations have dictated, let alone the fact that a good number of people around me seem to have already decided on these things at younger ages than I am now. The opinions that I already have right now are different from what I had a couple of years back even, and I expect them to likely continue to change as I grow older, with further experience. So pardon me if I come across as non-commital right now; I'm still figuring things out for myself. Hence, the therapy, among other things.
- I feel like this year is the year I move on from the day-to-day distractions to whatever it is I'm really looking for-- if only because I'm fed up with being stuck in every aspect of my life till now.
I still feel like disappearing from everything sometimes, if only because my mind can only take so much human interaction and feedback and distraction from all parts of life before it shuts down. It doesn't help that a lot of these voices have been conflicting, and I'm the type of person who tries to gauge all sources of input before I really commit to something (except for when I stop caring because I just want to get it over with. Stop bitching at me for my car choice man, I KNOW ALREADY.)
But first, time to breathe.
---
Apologies if I come across as frustrated right now. I'm just perpetually frustrated most of the time these days when I actually bother to think about it (I'm pretty sure I've been in a similar phase on this blog in the past, though this time it's the quarter-life crisis edition). If I don't respond well to feedback or criticism these days, I'm really sorry; it's just the phase I'm going through right now. But at least it helps that most people I talk to don't tend to push my buttons that way anyway. (Johny, you can keep trying, but I don't think you'll have much luck. :P)
And if I don't come across as frustrated in person, I'm probably doing a good job of distracting myself away from it. Friends make for good distractions (among other things), even when we're talking about the very things causing my frustration. I do a decent job of separating my emotions and feelings from the substance of my thoughts, or speaking in a detached manner that is.
Till next time.
- Imposter syndrome. and simply being apathetic about the day-to-day process, and even on those days where I'm productive at work, wondering what's the point of it all. The things I actually feel like doing (like writing, as I am right now) are not financially productive enough for me to just give up whatever else I ought to be doing right now.
- That night Jade and I walked the streets of Manhattan and I picked out a set of husky earmuffs. To phrase it in terms not actually used in the conversation because I already forgot exactly what we said, questioning the narratives that have been placed in front of us because they conflict with the way we approach life-- just what are we really striving for? And the conundrum that comes knowing that we are able to experience these issues now because of our having already achieved in life what others have had to spent a lifetime to achieve, or in other words, because of our privilege.
- I'm sick of the phrase, "what does it mean to" + ________ + ?, even though it comes up in church all the time. Or just Christianese lingo in general. My therapist made a comment today about how he doesn't like using the word "sin" in a therapy context because it's such a loaded term that can mean different things depending on who you talk to, since not everyone has the same understanding of it, and I wholeheartedly agree.
- Oh, and therapy's been great. Just a little too short and too expensive for my liking given that I could probably talk about my problems all day and not for 50 minutes a session, and it's not an end-all kind of treatment like you might expect. But it's been nice to have someone who can provide insight and constructive feedback in an understanding and non-judgmental way.
- I think I've spent more money on clothes in the past couple of months than I did in the past few years. Lately I've been thinking about things (like fashion and dating) that I never really had much consideration for years ago. I feel like I've just been maturing really late or something in those respects.
- If societal pressure/expectations weren't an issue, I would be okay with being single for the rest of my life. Not that I don't want a relationship, but I don't see a relationship as the end-all that other people apparently see it as. (And don't throw "man was not made to be alone" at me when Paul also advocates for celibacy in 1 Corinthians. Or for that matter, just don't throw out-of-context verses at me in general, when people have been debating on the proper meaning of these things for ages.)
Most of the time when I do something alone, the thought that sometimes goes through my mind is, "it would be nice if someone else were here," but NOT "it would be better if someone else were here." Having another person there introduces a whole other set of concerns and situations that are probably equal, but not necessarily better to me. Some of the happiest moments I experienced in the past year happened when I was alone, honestly, and I couldn't imagine another person appreciating those moments the same way I did... or at least, another person out of all the people I know currently, best friends included.
- People have asked me lately what I've been looking for in an SO. I honestly can't tell off-the-bat because I'm just not automatically attracted to most females I meet for the first time (cue conversation for another time, or feel free to ask me), and I have a much easier time discerning what I don't like than what I do like. But I guess one thing, in light of the conversations I've had lately: it would be nice to find someone who can keep up with an intellectual discussion and eventually formulate their own opinion about it, even if they don't know anything going in. (Yes, I like having fun, stupid conversations too, but I can have those any day of the week. The more interesting, thoughtful conversations-- those have been more rare for me lately.)
- On a semi-related note, the problem I have with the typical church-goer is that a lot of people are looking to be told how they should live, simply because the Bible or their pastor says so, rather than really reflecting on why that is so and whether they actually think it makes sense for themselves. If they can at least contemplate why someone outside the church would see things completely differently from it, and in a way that doesn't automatically see the other worldview as inferior, then that'd be a good place to start.
I will admit that I am easily prone to judging people who say things that come across as bigoted or lacking in understanding, though, when their real opinion might be more nuanced or thought-out than it appears to be. But regardless, I'm finding myself in this position where I'm finding being Christian to be more of a turn-off in a person than it is something to spark interest, or at least in the average case. But being antitheist/apatheist/lacking any interest in religion isn't necessarily better to me either. As I put it to one friend, I think I'd have more in common with someone who used to be Christian-then left-then came back (the coming back part being optional). At least, it shows (hopefully) that the person put some thought into it.
- I don't like the way my family sometimes treats Christianity almost like a ritualistic, superstitious activity in itself, which actually is kind of a Chinese approach to religion the more I think about it. Pray before traveling; pray before a big meal; pray with your eyes closed for that matter; go to church every Sunday; take communion and put money into the tithing basket and clap; make sure you're actually singing during worship and listening to the message; "what if you're not baptized before you die?" and little things like that.
This is not something I would've figured out or really understood until I left home, but when you limit the extent of your religious behavior to making sure you're doing everything "correctly," without consideration for what exactly it is that makes your behavior "good," you limit the speaking and transformative power of your faith (not in its full context, I know, but I'm referring to Matthew 5:16 -- "In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." See also any of Jesus' interactions with the Pharisees). And you also reduce it to simply being a means for making yourself feel better about whatever lifestyle you're already living.
I think this is in part why a lot of youth get fed up with the religion of their parents and end up becoming either more fanatical/extremist or just leaving it altogether: because they expect that something as professedly life-transforming as a religion would actually reflect something genuinely better about its adherents' lives, and not just become another organized means of getting by in life or providing structure/purpose to it.
- Ironically, I still feel a compulsion to consult others for advice even though I profess being tired of being told by people what I should/shouldn't do (although I've technically been saying the latter since I was in elementary school; my family still makes fun of me for it). Or perhaps it should be: I'm tired of authority. I just want advice. And the right to not follow said advice without being ridiculed for it if I honestly think and feel differently about it.
- Wishing I could record the conversations I've been having in the past few months, because my memory's going and I haven't had much time to reflect on everything we've talked about.
- Paperman, Undertale, Hamilton, Michael Arden, and Beyonce's "Countdown" on repeat. I've also been getting back into hip hop again.
- The more I learn, the less certain I feel, the more fed up I am with people who expect me to have come to some decision or belief on things that are still hotly contested by tons of people today. The expectation to have had your life figured out by *insert arbitrary age of true adulthood here*:
18? didn't know shit.
21? still didn't know shit, or shit about life in the real world anyway.
25? ugh, I still felt like 22 was last year. and I still didn't know shit, though in part because I wanted to enjoy other things in life that I never got to fully appreciate before because school and other commitments but mainly school.
But really. Politics? Religious beliefs? Professional direction? Sexual and relational identity? Lifestyle?
All of these things take time and years of continuous experiences to have developed a substantially meaningful stance on, and, I feel like it's taken me years longer to figure these things out than familial/social expectations have dictated, let alone the fact that a good number of people around me seem to have already decided on these things at younger ages than I am now. The opinions that I already have right now are different from what I had a couple of years back even, and I expect them to likely continue to change as I grow older, with further experience. So pardon me if I come across as non-commital right now; I'm still figuring things out for myself. Hence, the therapy, among other things.
- I feel like this year is the year I move on from the day-to-day distractions to whatever it is I'm really looking for-- if only because I'm fed up with being stuck in every aspect of my life till now.
I still feel like disappearing from everything sometimes, if only because my mind can only take so much human interaction and feedback and distraction from all parts of life before it shuts down. It doesn't help that a lot of these voices have been conflicting, and I'm the type of person who tries to gauge all sources of input before I really commit to something (except for when I stop caring because I just want to get it over with. Stop bitching at me for my car choice man, I KNOW ALREADY.)
But first, time to breathe.
---
Apologies if I come across as frustrated right now. I'm just perpetually frustrated most of the time these days when I actually bother to think about it (I'm pretty sure I've been in a similar phase on this blog in the past, though this time it's the quarter-life crisis edition). If I don't respond well to feedback or criticism these days, I'm really sorry; it's just the phase I'm going through right now. But at least it helps that most people I talk to don't tend to push my buttons that way anyway. (Johny, you can keep trying, but I don't think you'll have much luck. :P)
And if I don't come across as frustrated in person, I'm probably doing a good job of distracting myself away from it. Friends make for good distractions (among other things), even when we're talking about the very things causing my frustration. I do a decent job of separating my emotions and feelings from the substance of my thoughts, or speaking in a detached manner that is.
Till next time.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
on writing.
So back in the day (and by that I mean college, so not really that long ago depending on your perspective), I used to write a lot more. I practically blogged something every few days or so, even if it was only a few sentences; whatever happened to be on my mind at the moment. And it was fun… or at least, it felt worthwhile, even in those moments when I was upset and needed to vent somewhere.
And then, people started discovering my blog. Mostly through not-so-random chance—as in, I allowed it to be findable by hinting at its existence… until I finally caved and (quietly) linked to it on FB and that gravatar thing that certain sites like Wordpress use (it’s not there anymore, for the record.). And suddenly I had a readership of some sort, even though it wasn’t really much compared to other people I knew who were more open about blogging. But I was at least aware that some people read my posts sometimes.
Having a readership changed things, allbeit gradually at first. I started to censor myself more; post less frequently; focus on making longer, more substantial entries, until it started feeling like I was trying to write for some magazine or other publication (but still in my own personal style with the excessive parenthetical thoughts and technically improper dash usage as I just learned recently).
And then I started having trouble writing posts. It would take a minimum of 6+ hours for me to write something I was even half-satisfied with, which by working-life standards is 3/4ths of a standard workday already—which made me even less inclined to start because I’d start feeling overwhelmed about “wasting time,” especially considering how often I’d lose sleep from staying up late writing. I’d randomly start a post every so often and never finish it, or I’d finish and then just never publish it for whatever the reason, including my last post “on writing.” (which will never see the light of day as far as I’m concerned. I can’t stand my own writing sometimes.)
Now it’s just gotten to the point where I’m too self-conscious to even start writing about the things that have been on my mind these days.
The reality is, writing is hard. And not just in the I-suck-at-communicating-and-can-never-find-the-right-words sense, but in the sense that it’s difficult to put yourself out there when you know that you’ll likely be judged by your words to some extent by whoever is reading your blog at a given moment. It's almost nerve-wracking, even (especially when no one responds but you see your post’s stats went up and start wondering what that OSX Chrome user thought). And I know for a fact that I don’t take criticism or judgment all that well, especially when it comes to my own personal thoughts.
The point being, I have a lot of things on my mind that I’ve love to write more about on here, but have often stopped short out of fear of not being “blog-appropriate” or simply being unprepared to deal with whatever reactions people might have—because there’s a lot of things I just don’t talk about all that openly with most people. It’s hard because there is some sense to that: in this era of open internet and social media, whatever you share online can come back and bite you later when you least expect it, and there’s no way of taking back what others have seen. I don’t think I’m prepared to handle the scrutiny of “fifty pairs of eyes,” to intentionally misquote Virginia Woolf, let alone that of a single person (and that actually should be reversed to make the comparison accurate but whatever.).
Aside from that, there's this quote from this rather inspirational post on blogging I read the other day that sums up the experience of writing better than I could have:
"You know what writing really is? It’s about putting your completely incomplete and perfectly imperfect thoughts on paper. It’s about facing the stark reality that you’re not as smart as you thought yourself to be and that your beliefs about life (and everything within it) are not as clear as you had hoped them to be."
When I first started blogging, my intention was always rather simple: I wrote for myself. I wrote to keep track of my own thoughts, because I thought a lot, but most of the time only passively and in an aimless fashion to the point where I’d end up forgetting what was on my mind just a few minutes ago.
Of course, while that part of my motivation never really changed, I had to admit that once I became aware of my limited readership, it wasn’t only for me anymore. Part of me wanted to impress whoever it was that was reading at a given moment, almost as a way of saying: “Look at me! My thoughts are deep and insightful and you should pay attention to me!”
But the more I wrote, or tried to anyway, the more I realized this: my thoughts aren’t always all that. I can only say so much before I start repeating myself. And I will never impress everyone, nor is it even worth trying to, because my own concerns don’t always carry the same weight in other people’s eyes.
And that’s just the reality of it. I spend so much time, so many hours agonizing over finding the right words to say, for an entry that likely will just be glossed over within a few minutes by anyone who happens to come across this. It’s discouraging to realize sometimes (and ties into other thoughts I've had on loneliness, but that's for another day). But it reminds me that I shouldn’t be trying that hard to “impress” anyone with what I say anyway. I have other, more personal reasons for doing this, reasons ultimately that make this whole process worthwhile.
All that to say, I’m going to try to be a bit more open and a bit less cautious about what I really want to say when I write here (to the extent that there will probably be more long-form posts of this sort in the future). By not bothering to write out of fear, I’ve been hurting myself more in the long run. And I missed this.
It is now 5 AM, and I have officially screwed myself over for the rest of today. But oh well. To me, it’s been worth it (until I wake up later today and curse past me for not sleeping on this, anyway).
And then, people started discovering my blog. Mostly through not-so-random chance—as in, I allowed it to be findable by hinting at its existence… until I finally caved and (quietly) linked to it on FB and that gravatar thing that certain sites like Wordpress use (it’s not there anymore, for the record.). And suddenly I had a readership of some sort, even though it wasn’t really much compared to other people I knew who were more open about blogging. But I was at least aware that some people read my posts sometimes.
Having a readership changed things, allbeit gradually at first. I started to censor myself more; post less frequently; focus on making longer, more substantial entries, until it started feeling like I was trying to write for some magazine or other publication (but still in my own personal style with the excessive parenthetical thoughts and technically improper dash usage as I just learned recently).
And then I started having trouble writing posts. It would take a minimum of 6+ hours for me to write something I was even half-satisfied with, which by working-life standards is 3/4ths of a standard workday already—which made me even less inclined to start because I’d start feeling overwhelmed about “wasting time,” especially considering how often I’d lose sleep from staying up late writing. I’d randomly start a post every so often and never finish it, or I’d finish and then just never publish it for whatever the reason, including my last post “on writing.” (which will never see the light of day as far as I’m concerned. I can’t stand my own writing sometimes.)
Now it’s just gotten to the point where I’m too self-conscious to even start writing about the things that have been on my mind these days.
The reality is, writing is hard. And not just in the I-suck-at-communicating-and-can-never-find-the-right-words sense, but in the sense that it’s difficult to put yourself out there when you know that you’ll likely be judged by your words to some extent by whoever is reading your blog at a given moment. It's almost nerve-wracking, even (especially when no one responds but you see your post’s stats went up and start wondering what that OSX Chrome user thought). And I know for a fact that I don’t take criticism or judgment all that well, especially when it comes to my own personal thoughts.
The point being, I have a lot of things on my mind that I’ve love to write more about on here, but have often stopped short out of fear of not being “blog-appropriate” or simply being unprepared to deal with whatever reactions people might have—because there’s a lot of things I just don’t talk about all that openly with most people. It’s hard because there is some sense to that: in this era of open internet and social media, whatever you share online can come back and bite you later when you least expect it, and there’s no way of taking back what others have seen. I don’t think I’m prepared to handle the scrutiny of “fifty pairs of eyes,” to intentionally misquote Virginia Woolf, let alone that of a single person (and that actually should be reversed to make the comparison accurate but whatever.).
Aside from that, there's this quote from this rather inspirational post on blogging I read the other day that sums up the experience of writing better than I could have:
"You know what writing really is? It’s about putting your completely incomplete and perfectly imperfect thoughts on paper. It’s about facing the stark reality that you’re not as smart as you thought yourself to be and that your beliefs about life (and everything within it) are not as clear as you had hoped them to be."
When I first started blogging, my intention was always rather simple: I wrote for myself. I wrote to keep track of my own thoughts, because I thought a lot, but most of the time only passively and in an aimless fashion to the point where I’d end up forgetting what was on my mind just a few minutes ago.
Of course, while that part of my motivation never really changed, I had to admit that once I became aware of my limited readership, it wasn’t only for me anymore. Part of me wanted to impress whoever it was that was reading at a given moment, almost as a way of saying: “Look at me! My thoughts are deep and insightful and you should pay attention to me!”
But the more I wrote, or tried to anyway, the more I realized this: my thoughts aren’t always all that. I can only say so much before I start repeating myself. And I will never impress everyone, nor is it even worth trying to, because my own concerns don’t always carry the same weight in other people’s eyes.
And that’s just the reality of it. I spend so much time, so many hours agonizing over finding the right words to say, for an entry that likely will just be glossed over within a few minutes by anyone who happens to come across this. It’s discouraging to realize sometimes (and ties into other thoughts I've had on loneliness, but that's for another day). But it reminds me that I shouldn’t be trying that hard to “impress” anyone with what I say anyway. I have other, more personal reasons for doing this, reasons ultimately that make this whole process worthwhile.
All that to say, I’m going to try to be a bit more open and a bit less cautious about what I really want to say when I write here (to the extent that there will probably be more long-form posts of this sort in the future). By not bothering to write out of fear, I’ve been hurting myself more in the long run. And I missed this.
It is now 5 AM, and I have officially screwed myself over for the rest of today. But oh well. To me, it’s been worth it (until I wake up later today and curse past me for not sleeping on this, anyway).
Monday, November 2, 2015
still alive.
I guess I've just gotten more private about things lately... including the things I used to write about. And I can't really sustain this blog with just posts about what I'm currently reading/watching and so on even though that still goes on too. I'd just be self-reporting my distractions if anything, and that's never really been the focal purpose of this blog, else I'd have started a separate entertainment blog or something (which now that I think about it might not be a bad idea but ugh I've started so many blogs by now).
Most days of late cycle between vague tired-of-people-ness, frantically trying to enjoy moments when they come by, and subsequent disappointed feelings but mostly in myself for perpetuating these personal issues indefinitely. Not to mention the host of other problems I don't feel comfortable blogging about for now.
I've been able to speak up more about some of these in person with a few friends, and that's been good... but I still need to see a therapist one of these days. It's been mulling in the back of my head for a long time now (as some of you may know), although like every other major thread in my life, I've been procrastinating on it... just cause. I'm pretty easily distracted. And I suck at asking people for help when I need it since I'm so used to wanting to be independent about everything (and sucking at that too to the point where people nag me about it which only pisses me off more. shut up I know I make mistakes okay).
But procrastination and good talks aside, lately it's been getting to the point where I've started telling myself, "I don't think I can go on like this much longer." I'm sick and tired of letting my insecurities control my emotional day-to-day life, and living in fear of even possibly just having a panic attack or mental breakdown at work when a little unexpected moment just happens to tick me off (not gonna lie; it's gotten close to that). In the heat of the moment- socially or whatever- I can get by fine, and even talk about my issues is a somewhat detached manner... but it's the unpredictable day-to-day happenstances that throw me off.
I would write more but my head hurts (another thing--semi-frequent headaches) and I need sleep. Another time. But yeah, I'm taking therapist recs or advice from anyone who has experience with this kind of thing, secular or Christian. Just putting it out there now so that I'm actually motivated to go through with this for once.
Till next time.
Most days of late cycle between vague tired-of-people-ness, frantically trying to enjoy moments when they come by, and subsequent disappointed feelings but mostly in myself for perpetuating these personal issues indefinitely. Not to mention the host of other problems I don't feel comfortable blogging about for now.
I've been able to speak up more about some of these in person with a few friends, and that's been good... but I still need to see a therapist one of these days. It's been mulling in the back of my head for a long time now (as some of you may know), although like every other major thread in my life, I've been procrastinating on it... just cause. I'm pretty easily distracted. And I suck at asking people for help when I need it since I'm so used to wanting to be independent about everything (and sucking at that too to the point where people nag me about it which only pisses me off more. shut up I know I make mistakes okay).
But procrastination and good talks aside, lately it's been getting to the point where I've started telling myself, "I don't think I can go on like this much longer." I'm sick and tired of letting my insecurities control my emotional day-to-day life, and living in fear of even possibly just having a panic attack or mental breakdown at work when a little unexpected moment just happens to tick me off (not gonna lie; it's gotten close to that). In the heat of the moment- socially or whatever- I can get by fine, and even talk about my issues is a somewhat detached manner... but it's the unpredictable day-to-day happenstances that throw me off.
I would write more but my head hurts (another thing--semi-frequent headaches) and I need sleep. Another time. But yeah, I'm taking therapist recs or advice from anyone who has experience with this kind of thing, secular or Christian. Just putting it out there now so that I'm actually motivated to go through with this for once.
Till next time.
Monday, August 10, 2015
impressions of late
Because I've kinda been all over the place this summer (and also was sick and bed-ridden for a while). Sans books because I handle those on goodreads now. I have a China trip post mostly done but still on hold till I find time to sort through all those pictures I took...
Musicals:
A Little Night Music:
Saw this at the ACT in SF earlier this summer on their last weekend. Even though it's a Sondheim musical, I don't think I appreciated it as much as any of his other works before, but the ACT did a really good job with it here, with some pretty hilariously witty moments, and great singing. According to a female employee (who randomly talked to me on the street because of the playbill I was carrying), this show was the probably the best one they put on this season. Personal highlight that still sticks with me was the moment "Remember?" came on- capturing what it feels like to experience nostalgia from a single glance. But really, it's hard to describe without actually seeing the scene performed in person though; listening to the soundtrack doesn't evoke the same kind of feeling.
Matilda:
Second time! Still a bit hard to follow at times- dunno if it's because of the British accents or how fast everyone sing-speaks, but pretty enjoyable and nostalgic for anyone who's familiar with Matilda from the book or film. "Naughty" and "When I Grow Up" are still my favorite songs, though the rest of the soundtrack isn't as memorable to me and I wasn't as in awe by the children dancing this time... but I guess that's sort of a novelty first-time experience thing.
Films:
Terminator: Genisys.
Just for you, Sammy. But seriously, it's fun if you go in with no expectations. Just don't try to make sense of the plot too much like I usually do; it's not worth the effort here.
Birdman.
An incredible dive into the psyche of a faded Hollywood actor. I generally am a sucker for long takes even when they're illusory (see also Rope) and this movie just flows entirely like one enormously long one. Probably my favorite live-action movie from 2014 at this rate.
Whiplash.
Intense. Relatable for anyone who's had a strict music teacher (reminds me of the days my piano teacher would slap my hands for playing poorly...) and for the same reasons difficult to watch. Found it interesting how people decry it as a tragedy even though the ending doesn't feel that way at first- but I have to agree with the sentiment there. At what cost do we ought to strive for genius?
The Look of Silence.
Followup documentary film to 2012/13's The Act of Killing, on the Indonesian killings of 1965, but this time from the perspective of the victims and following a more conventional documentary style. Difficult to stomach at times but not as sickening as Act of Killing was persay, though perhaps because I'd already been exposed to the subject with the prior film.
What struck me the most was the amount of mental gymnastics people are willing to undergo to not take responsibility for the past- and it happened at every level, including the children of the perpetrators ("Feel free to treat my dad as your father [even though he killed your brother]." Seriously, what). You keep following the blame chain until it gets to the point where eventually no one is responsible, if only because "God willed it to happen." It's disgusting.
Moon.
Pretty cool sci-fi. Reminds me of a part of Interstellar (the part where people usually tear up at) except extended to an entire film concept complete with the claustrophobic atmosphere, and to be honest I like this film a lot more. I'm still a bit confused on what the point of GERTY was in this film though- his role didn't seem as fundamentally important compared to say, HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey, aside from being convenient for the sake of the plot.
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation.
Decent, not great as one friend put it. I was fully engaged the entire time, though that might've been partly because I was on a Sour Patch sugar high as it seems like most of the people I was with either zoned out or almost fell asleep at some points where it started to slow down between action scenes. But whatever, the action sequences are good.
Melancholia.
Finally watched this one after friends have been pushing me to for years. Very arthouse, especially the opening (which reminded me of Tree of Life except slightly less annoying), which means good things for people who are into somewhat abstract but beautiful movie visuals and bad things for the rest of us with short attention spans. I enjoyed the first half (sans the opening) more for the social dynamics of the screwed up wedding, whereas I had to force myself to pay attention during most of the second half because I honestly had lost interest in any of the characters by that point. Not exactly my cup of tea I guess, but I've always been more into the plot/character/writing aspect of films rather than the visual and this one excels more in the latter aspect. I don't think I would enjoy any of the rest of Von Trier's films (Antichrist, Nymphomaniac, etc.) any more than this one unfortunately.
TV Shows:
Orphan Black.
Got sucked into this finally at a friend's behest. Canadian sci-fi comedy-drama-mystery-thriller? (shrug, it kinda hits all those points) about a drifting hustler who witnesses the suicide of someone who looks identical to her and then tries to assume her identity... which lands her within some messed-up international conspiracy because her identical twin was apparently involved in some crazy shit. This show is particularly notable because its lead actress does an amazing job of convincingly playing multiple character roles- like Parent Trap x10. Season 1 was incredibly addictive and well-paced enough that nothing felt like filler, though later on I've been having trouble following where the plot is going and the writing quality isn't always that great. On a side note, Alison is hilarious.
Sense8.
8 people discover that they're linked- sensually, almost psychically, what-have-you- in the midst of a greater mysterious plot. The Wachowski's newest Netflix show that feels reminiscent of Cloud Atlas crossed with Heroes crossed with Lost kinda. Pretty unique in that the main cast spans multiple races, backgrounds, and sexual orientations (a Hindu Indian scientist, a Korean businesswoman, a gay Mexican star, a transgender SF "hacktivist", a Kenyan bus driver, a British-Icelandic DJ, a German crook, and a Chicago cop. oh and Sayid from Lost).
Also reminiscent of the Wachowski's works in that it feels pretty optimistic yet corny yet beautiful at the same time, and that the concept has great potential but the execution doesn't always work out so well. Pacing is rather slow and character focused rather than plot focused; I think it finally just started to pick up around episode 7, but really only for one character. Writing can also be cringe-inducing sometimes, but I managed to get past the first four episodes and I'm still enjoying it. Basically, people are really polarized on how much they love or hate this show, but I still think it's worth checking out- at least it's better than the crappy Jupiter Ascending.
Cartoons:
Adventure Time, season 6.
Finally finished this! Apparently I stopped watching last time around the halfway point, which was right when things starting gearing up in preparation for the somewhat bizarre season finale (but no different from usual really). Some episodes are hit-or-miss as usual, and apparently even some of the comet-related episodes were a stretch for some people even though I still loved those. If you aren't familiar with Adventure Time at all, it's colorful and mostly weird but in a way that oddly still makes sense most of the time (compared to shows that are just plain weird). Most of the ten-minute episodes are just random and episodic, but if you make it to season 2 onwards, there actually is a larger overarching plotline that eventually comes out. The show actually has a well-developed series mythology going on, which is what I love most about it, and I like the way that it handles relationships, although lately Steven Universe might have it beat (see below).
Gravity Falls.
Twin Peaks for kids. Seriously. This show is weird and I love it. It's about a pair of twins stuck for the summer at their uncle's mystery shack in a middle-of-nowhere town filled with supernatural secrets and crazy conspiracies. First season's more episodic, not that that's a bad thing (one of my favorite moments is Mabel's crazy illegal rainbow candy-infused acid trip- no seriously, this is what they can get away with on kid's shows these days) but the main storyline kicks into gear during second season and it makes for a great overarching mystery. The writing is clever and filled with random hilarious callback moments that I'm not sure I'd have gotten as a kid (well, Rocko's Modern Life kinda went over my head back in the day... but then again I always had a suspicion something was up after the nudist episode).
Steven Universe.
From the inventor of some of Adventure Time's most memorable songs ("Bacon Pancakes", "Daddy, Why Did You Eat My Fries", etc.) comes this heartwarming and beautifully colored cartoon about a half-human-half-gem kid named Steven and his alien gem friends who protect the earth from alien creatures and stuff. It sounds just like any other kid cartoon, but as the show progresses it delves into some fairly deep and complicated but just accessible-enough-that-kids-will-get-it adult relationship issues, which is pretty impressive for a ten minute episodic kid's series even though other shows like Adventure Time have done it before. Steven starts out annoyingly corny but really grows on you as the series progresses, exhibiting some surprisingly mature moments over time despite his childish personality. Also, the music's great, but that shouldn't be surprising.
Rick and Morty.
The return of Back to the Future on steroids. Season just started, but I loved the premiere. The way this show explores sci-fi tropes and just takes them to their crazy but logical extreme is hilarious and at the same time amazingly creative. Looking forward to the rest of it.
Anime:
Durarara!!x2 Ten.
Similar vibes with last season: not as good as season 1, but I'm still entertained in the meantime. Episodes have been mostly meandering in providing background from one character to another, but the main plots haven't really started yet (about halfway in) and the only big change that really comes to mind compared with last season is Mikado's character for obvious reasons. I suspect the pacing issues are inherited from the plot structure of the novel series itself (they still haven't addressed Celty's head yet), and I realize that most of the continuing appeal for this series comes from "character fanservice"- and by that I mean in the less conventional personality sense, because of how crazy everyone in this series is.
Space Brothers #0.
I haven't actually seen the regular series yet, but this one-shot prequel movie was touching if not a little predictable at times. Was especially fun and atmospheric to see in a movie theater (for the Japanese Film Festival), and brought back familiar awe-inspiring vibes from another spaced-based slice-of-life series, Planetes. The music in particular made my day.
Memories: Magnetic Rose.
Kouji Morimoto is known for working on Akira (the film), Macross Plus, Mind Game, the Animatrix, and a couple of Utada Hikaru's music videos (Passion) among other things. This year he showed up as a special guest for the Japanese Film Festival, and they exhibited a few of his shorts for one viewing with a special live Q&A session after that was quite informative (I was also impressed with the ability of the live translator but that's another story).
Just going to comment on the highlight of this set: Magnetic Rose, a long 45-minute short (oxymoron I know) intended as the first part of a 3 episode anthology series, Memories, based off short stories written by the author of Akira, Katsuhiro Otomo. This particular short was the one directed by Morimoto, in collaboration with Satoshi Kon (Paprika, Paranoia Agent, Millennium Actress, etc.) on script and Yoko Kanno (Cowboy Bebop, Escaflowne, Ghost in the Shell SAC, Wolf's Rain, too many to list) on music.
The basic premise involves a deep space freighter that investigates a SOS signal coming from an apparently deserted space station,. and what results is a crazy mishmash of deep space cyberpunk, French architecture, opera music, hallucinations, and psychological trauma among other things. The animation quality is amazing by 1990's standards and also stands the test of time quite well even today; the actual story itself is rather haunting- but perfect for cyberpunk; and the music meshes incredibly well with the animation.
During the interview after the screening, Morimoto talked about how his conception of cyberpunk in this film was really an attempt to combine his interest in the unfamiliar, in this case European architecture (which he was obsessed with at the time but aware of his cultural distance to), with the familiar, or the cold, dark alleyways of Japan that he'd grown up with. He also revealed that in the vast majority of his works, he conceived of the overall musical structure first and then molded the rest of the film to fit with the music, which explains a lot about the animation he's directed.
Afterwards, he explained how Kanno, the composer, had likened the process of composing to the process of carving out a Buddhist sculpture within a cliff: it's not so much that you create something from nothing, as it is that you feel out a structure that's already there in the materials (in this case, materials being the basic elements of music itself). Speaking of Kanno as well his other past musical collaborator, Utada Hikaru, in light of this, Morimoto exclaimed, "That, to me, is what makes genius."
The rest of the shorts tended towards being more abstract until Genius Party Beyond: Dimension Bomb, which literally was "visual poetry" as one audience member put it, but unfortunately required more visual sensory receptiveness than my sleep-deprived-self had energy for at the time (-_-). So I won't say anything else on that.
Musicals:
A Little Night Music:
Saw this at the ACT in SF earlier this summer on their last weekend. Even though it's a Sondheim musical, I don't think I appreciated it as much as any of his other works before, but the ACT did a really good job with it here, with some pretty hilariously witty moments, and great singing. According to a female employee (who randomly talked to me on the street because of the playbill I was carrying), this show was the probably the best one they put on this season. Personal highlight that still sticks with me was the moment "Remember?" came on- capturing what it feels like to experience nostalgia from a single glance. But really, it's hard to describe without actually seeing the scene performed in person though; listening to the soundtrack doesn't evoke the same kind of feeling.
Matilda:
Second time! Still a bit hard to follow at times- dunno if it's because of the British accents or how fast everyone sing-speaks, but pretty enjoyable and nostalgic for anyone who's familiar with Matilda from the book or film. "Naughty" and "When I Grow Up" are still my favorite songs, though the rest of the soundtrack isn't as memorable to me and I wasn't as in awe by the children dancing this time... but I guess that's sort of a novelty first-time experience thing.
Films:
Terminator: Genisys.
Just for you, Sammy. But seriously, it's fun if you go in with no expectations. Just don't try to make sense of the plot too much like I usually do; it's not worth the effort here.
Birdman.
An incredible dive into the psyche of a faded Hollywood actor. I generally am a sucker for long takes even when they're illusory (see also Rope) and this movie just flows entirely like one enormously long one. Probably my favorite live-action movie from 2014 at this rate.
Whiplash.
Intense. Relatable for anyone who's had a strict music teacher (reminds me of the days my piano teacher would slap my hands for playing poorly...) and for the same reasons difficult to watch. Found it interesting how people decry it as a tragedy even though the ending doesn't feel that way at first- but I have to agree with the sentiment there. At what cost do we ought to strive for genius?
The Look of Silence.
Followup documentary film to 2012/13's The Act of Killing, on the Indonesian killings of 1965, but this time from the perspective of the victims and following a more conventional documentary style. Difficult to stomach at times but not as sickening as Act of Killing was persay, though perhaps because I'd already been exposed to the subject with the prior film.
What struck me the most was the amount of mental gymnastics people are willing to undergo to not take responsibility for the past- and it happened at every level, including the children of the perpetrators ("Feel free to treat my dad as your father [even though he killed your brother]." Seriously, what). You keep following the blame chain until it gets to the point where eventually no one is responsible, if only because "God willed it to happen." It's disgusting.
Moon.
Pretty cool sci-fi. Reminds me of a part of Interstellar (the part where people usually tear up at) except extended to an entire film concept complete with the claustrophobic atmosphere, and to be honest I like this film a lot more. I'm still a bit confused on what the point of GERTY was in this film though- his role didn't seem as fundamentally important compared to say, HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey, aside from being convenient for the sake of the plot.
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation.
Decent, not great as one friend put it. I was fully engaged the entire time, though that might've been partly because I was on a Sour Patch sugar high as it seems like most of the people I was with either zoned out or almost fell asleep at some points where it started to slow down between action scenes. But whatever, the action sequences are good.
Melancholia.
Finally watched this one after friends have been pushing me to for years. Very arthouse, especially the opening (which reminded me of Tree of Life except slightly less annoying), which means good things for people who are into somewhat abstract but beautiful movie visuals and bad things for the rest of us with short attention spans. I enjoyed the first half (sans the opening) more for the social dynamics of the screwed up wedding, whereas I had to force myself to pay attention during most of the second half because I honestly had lost interest in any of the characters by that point. Not exactly my cup of tea I guess, but I've always been more into the plot/character/writing aspect of films rather than the visual and this one excels more in the latter aspect. I don't think I would enjoy any of the rest of Von Trier's films (Antichrist, Nymphomaniac, etc.) any more than this one unfortunately.
TV Shows:
Orphan Black.
Got sucked into this finally at a friend's behest. Canadian sci-fi comedy-drama-mystery-thriller? (shrug, it kinda hits all those points) about a drifting hustler who witnesses the suicide of someone who looks identical to her and then tries to assume her identity... which lands her within some messed-up international conspiracy because her identical twin was apparently involved in some crazy shit. This show is particularly notable because its lead actress does an amazing job of convincingly playing multiple character roles- like Parent Trap x10. Season 1 was incredibly addictive and well-paced enough that nothing felt like filler, though later on I've been having trouble following where the plot is going and the writing quality isn't always that great. On a side note, Alison is hilarious.
Sense8.
8 people discover that they're linked- sensually, almost psychically, what-have-you- in the midst of a greater mysterious plot. The Wachowski's newest Netflix show that feels reminiscent of Cloud Atlas crossed with Heroes crossed with Lost kinda. Pretty unique in that the main cast spans multiple races, backgrounds, and sexual orientations (a Hindu Indian scientist, a Korean businesswoman, a gay Mexican star, a transgender SF "hacktivist", a Kenyan bus driver, a British-Icelandic DJ, a German crook, and a Chicago cop. oh and Sayid from Lost).
Also reminiscent of the Wachowski's works in that it feels pretty optimistic yet corny yet beautiful at the same time, and that the concept has great potential but the execution doesn't always work out so well. Pacing is rather slow and character focused rather than plot focused; I think it finally just started to pick up around episode 7, but really only for one character. Writing can also be cringe-inducing sometimes, but I managed to get past the first four episodes and I'm still enjoying it. Basically, people are really polarized on how much they love or hate this show, but I still think it's worth checking out- at least it's better than the crappy Jupiter Ascending.
Cartoons:
Adventure Time, season 6.
Finally finished this! Apparently I stopped watching last time around the halfway point, which was right when things starting gearing up in preparation for the somewhat bizarre season finale (but no different from usual really). Some episodes are hit-or-miss as usual, and apparently even some of the comet-related episodes were a stretch for some people even though I still loved those. If you aren't familiar with Adventure Time at all, it's colorful and mostly weird but in a way that oddly still makes sense most of the time (compared to shows that are just plain weird). Most of the ten-minute episodes are just random and episodic, but if you make it to season 2 onwards, there actually is a larger overarching plotline that eventually comes out. The show actually has a well-developed series mythology going on, which is what I love most about it, and I like the way that it handles relationships, although lately Steven Universe might have it beat (see below).
Gravity Falls.
Twin Peaks for kids. Seriously. This show is weird and I love it. It's about a pair of twins stuck for the summer at their uncle's mystery shack in a middle-of-nowhere town filled with supernatural secrets and crazy conspiracies. First season's more episodic, not that that's a bad thing (one of my favorite moments is Mabel's crazy illegal rainbow candy-infused acid trip- no seriously, this is what they can get away with on kid's shows these days) but the main storyline kicks into gear during second season and it makes for a great overarching mystery. The writing is clever and filled with random hilarious callback moments that I'm not sure I'd have gotten as a kid (well, Rocko's Modern Life kinda went over my head back in the day... but then again I always had a suspicion something was up after the nudist episode).
Steven Universe.
From the inventor of some of Adventure Time's most memorable songs ("Bacon Pancakes", "Daddy, Why Did You Eat My Fries", etc.) comes this heartwarming and beautifully colored cartoon about a half-human-half-gem kid named Steven and his alien gem friends who protect the earth from alien creatures and stuff. It sounds just like any other kid cartoon, but as the show progresses it delves into some fairly deep and complicated but just accessible-enough-that-kids-will-get-it adult relationship issues, which is pretty impressive for a ten minute episodic kid's series even though other shows like Adventure Time have done it before. Steven starts out annoyingly corny but really grows on you as the series progresses, exhibiting some surprisingly mature moments over time despite his childish personality. Also, the music's great, but that shouldn't be surprising.
Rick and Morty.
The return of Back to the Future on steroids. Season just started, but I loved the premiere. The way this show explores sci-fi tropes and just takes them to their crazy but logical extreme is hilarious and at the same time amazingly creative. Looking forward to the rest of it.
Anime:
Durarara!!x2 Ten.
Similar vibes with last season: not as good as season 1, but I'm still entertained in the meantime. Episodes have been mostly meandering in providing background from one character to another, but the main plots haven't really started yet (about halfway in) and the only big change that really comes to mind compared with last season is Mikado's character for obvious reasons. I suspect the pacing issues are inherited from the plot structure of the novel series itself (they still haven't addressed Celty's head yet), and I realize that most of the continuing appeal for this series comes from "character fanservice"- and by that I mean in the less conventional personality sense, because of how crazy everyone in this series is.
Space Brothers #0.
I haven't actually seen the regular series yet, but this one-shot prequel movie was touching if not a little predictable at times. Was especially fun and atmospheric to see in a movie theater (for the Japanese Film Festival), and brought back familiar awe-inspiring vibes from another spaced-based slice-of-life series, Planetes. The music in particular made my day.
Memories: Magnetic Rose.
Kouji Morimoto is known for working on Akira (the film), Macross Plus, Mind Game, the Animatrix, and a couple of Utada Hikaru's music videos (Passion) among other things. This year he showed up as a special guest for the Japanese Film Festival, and they exhibited a few of his shorts for one viewing with a special live Q&A session after that was quite informative (I was also impressed with the ability of the live translator but that's another story).
Just going to comment on the highlight of this set: Magnetic Rose, a long 45-minute short (oxymoron I know) intended as the first part of a 3 episode anthology series, Memories, based off short stories written by the author of Akira, Katsuhiro Otomo. This particular short was the one directed by Morimoto, in collaboration with Satoshi Kon (Paprika, Paranoia Agent, Millennium Actress, etc.) on script and Yoko Kanno (Cowboy Bebop, Escaflowne, Ghost in the Shell SAC, Wolf's Rain, too many to list) on music.
The basic premise involves a deep space freighter that investigates a SOS signal coming from an apparently deserted space station,. and what results is a crazy mishmash of deep space cyberpunk, French architecture, opera music, hallucinations, and psychological trauma among other things. The animation quality is amazing by 1990's standards and also stands the test of time quite well even today; the actual story itself is rather haunting- but perfect for cyberpunk; and the music meshes incredibly well with the animation.
During the interview after the screening, Morimoto talked about how his conception of cyberpunk in this film was really an attempt to combine his interest in the unfamiliar, in this case European architecture (which he was obsessed with at the time but aware of his cultural distance to), with the familiar, or the cold, dark alleyways of Japan that he'd grown up with. He also revealed that in the vast majority of his works, he conceived of the overall musical structure first and then molded the rest of the film to fit with the music, which explains a lot about the animation he's directed.
Afterwards, he explained how Kanno, the composer, had likened the process of composing to the process of carving out a Buddhist sculpture within a cliff: it's not so much that you create something from nothing, as it is that you feel out a structure that's already there in the materials (in this case, materials being the basic elements of music itself). Speaking of Kanno as well his other past musical collaborator, Utada Hikaru, in light of this, Morimoto exclaimed, "That, to me, is what makes genius."
The rest of the shorts tended towards being more abstract until Genius Party Beyond: Dimension Bomb, which literally was "visual poetry" as one audience member put it, but unfortunately required more visual sensory receptiveness than my sleep-deprived-self had energy for at the time (-_-). So I won't say anything else on that.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
anticipation
Because I look ahead in terms of lists.
upcoming:
- finally finishing this Reactive Programming class
- the Scottish Exhibition at the de Young before it closes
- finally visiting the Legion of Honor and the Asian Art Museum
- SF Silent Film Festival
- the Thai Temple at Berkeley
- A Little Night Music
- week-long Python Training at work
- Distant Worlds LA
- Christine & Scott's wedding
- family China trip (Beijing -> Xian -> Guilin/Yangshuo -> Shanghai. mostly touristy.)
- coming back to Pokemon: Symphonic Evolutions
- Matilda round 2
- Durarara!!x2 Ten
- The Look of Silence release (followup to The Act of Killing)
book list:
- White Teeth
- Infinite Jest
- The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat and Other Clinical Tales
- Indonesia, Etc
- Snow Crash
- Titus Groan
- The Resurrection of the Son of God
- The Moth
- The Once and Future King
- The Conquest of Gaul
- Midnight
- short stories: O'Connor, Saunders, some more Lovecraft
- and maybe War and Peace before the end of this year -_-
Games
- Technobabylon
- finally finishing Pillars of Eternity and Broken Age
- Life is Strange per Ryan's request
- The Witcher 3? (yeah right, ain't got time for that.)
Toss in work, work outside of work, unexpected distractions and other life priority stuff, and I'll get through maybe 50% of the above. (...50% being the top half that is.)
To follow up from last time, I had a bad people hangover headache most of today almost to the point of wanting to throw up (to be fair I probably should've not tried to schedule so much in 2.5 days- I was already exhausted at the end of the first day) and wasn't able to function much other than lying down with my eyes closed for good chunks of the morning/afternoon- which was slightly ameliorated by a revolving sushi family lunch and then watching brother play Donkey Kong 64 throughout the day, a game that I never was able to finish growing up and don't really care to anymore. Great game though.
Anyway, yes the people disappointment continued as usual, but I noticed a lot of it this time was more due to my inability to be fully present when I'm tired and in a rush (no duh), which was not helped by the sleeping problems I've been having lately. (Example: I was fatigued all day today and now I'm wide awake. and I have to wake up in 5 hours knowing that I will likely be tired at work most of tomorrow too... and I have dinner plans after again.)
And while this weekend was an extreme case of it, this generally is more applicable to the other times in the past too. Which is to say, I get tired from social interaction pretty fast even though I like who I'm hanging out with and will often try to extend that time as long as possible- sometimes beyond what I'm actually capable of handling. Time constraints are a blessing as much as they are a curse.
So anyway, instead of trying to feverishly complete the above to-do list, I'm hoping to tone things down a bit this summer and just... rest, for once. And by rest I mean not worry about being frantically productive in the times when I'm alone, and by frantically productive I mean ticking things off my entertainment and work to-do list and worrying about how much time I don't have.
Learning to look at and re-purpose "wasted time", the time spent breathing, resting, reflecting, contemplating, as time well-spent and well-lived. And remembering that I need to actually make time for these things too or else I'll go crazy.
upcoming:
- finally finishing this Reactive Programming class
- the Scottish Exhibition at the de Young before it closes
- finally visiting the Legion of Honor and the Asian Art Museum
- SF Silent Film Festival
- the Thai Temple at Berkeley
- A Little Night Music
- week-long Python Training at work
- Distant Worlds LA
- Christine & Scott's wedding
- family China trip (Beijing -> Xian -> Guilin/Yangshuo -> Shanghai. mostly touristy.)
- coming back to Pokemon: Symphonic Evolutions
- Matilda round 2
- Durarara!!x2 Ten
- The Look of Silence release (followup to The Act of Killing)
book list:
- White Teeth
- Infinite Jest
- The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat and Other Clinical Tales
- Indonesia, Etc
- Snow Crash
- Titus Groan
- The Resurrection of the Son of God
- The Moth
- The Once and Future King
- The Conquest of Gaul
- Midnight
- short stories: O'Connor, Saunders, some more Lovecraft
- and maybe War and Peace before the end of this year -_-
Games
- Technobabylon
- finally finishing Pillars of Eternity and Broken Age
- Life is Strange per Ryan's request
- The Witcher 3? (yeah right, ain't got time for that.)
Toss in work, work outside of work, unexpected distractions and other life priority stuff, and I'll get through maybe 50% of the above. (...50% being the top half that is.)
To follow up from last time, I had a bad people hangover headache most of today almost to the point of wanting to throw up (to be fair I probably should've not tried to schedule so much in 2.5 days- I was already exhausted at the end of the first day) and wasn't able to function much other than lying down with my eyes closed for good chunks of the morning/afternoon- which was slightly ameliorated by a revolving sushi family lunch and then watching brother play Donkey Kong 64 throughout the day, a game that I never was able to finish growing up and don't really care to anymore. Great game though.
Anyway, yes the people disappointment continued as usual, but I noticed a lot of it this time was more due to my inability to be fully present when I'm tired and in a rush (no duh), which was not helped by the sleeping problems I've been having lately. (Example: I was fatigued all day today and now I'm wide awake. and I have to wake up in 5 hours knowing that I will likely be tired at work most of tomorrow too... and I have dinner plans after again.)
And while this weekend was an extreme case of it, this generally is more applicable to the other times in the past too. Which is to say, I get tired from social interaction pretty fast even though I like who I'm hanging out with and will often try to extend that time as long as possible- sometimes beyond what I'm actually capable of handling. Time constraints are a blessing as much as they are a curse.
So anyway, instead of trying to feverishly complete the above to-do list, I'm hoping to tone things down a bit this summer and just... rest, for once. And by rest I mean not worry about being frantically productive in the times when I'm alone, and by frantically productive I mean ticking things off my entertainment and work to-do list and worrying about how much time I don't have.
Learning to look at and re-purpose "wasted time", the time spent breathing, resting, reflecting, contemplating, as time well-spent and well-lived. And remembering that I need to actually make time for these things too or else I'll go crazy.
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