A rather long time ago now, I got a comment from a friend on how naive I was. I don't remember if I said anything in response, but naturally it ticked me off inside. Naive to the world? Please, I'm not that oblivious. I know that people aren't always what they make themselves out to be... how much this life sucks and is a lot more mundane and boring in general than we'd like to admit... and how messed up the world is on a daily basis.

But honestly, though, that friend was right. Despite how much I like to play myself off as a pessimist in general... I tend to put more faith in the unselfishness and the integrity of other people I know, even if I don't actually know them that well at all. I try to downplay the bad qualities of other people if I do mention them, and hearing anyone talk trash about other people or character bashing, so to speak, tends to bother me even when it is merited. I also hate it when I hear talk about rating other people based on looks or whichever... it just feels foreign to me. (which led to Johny asking if I had absolutely no standards about looks - okay, well I'll admit that some things do turn me off. >_>).

Lately I've been reminded or shown a lot more of how much I don't actually know, how unaware I am of what other people actually think or believe or act. Little topics of conversation that bother me because they reveal my naivety, my lack of worldly knowledge, were I to even say anything, although others probably suspect it of me anyway. How wrong and out of touch with reality I was, for hoping or trying to assume the better of others when they gave no reason for me to do so. Even though it feels a lot more poisonous in my head to assume the worst.

Sometimes I just feel out of touch with reality and people in general. Like I'm continuously living life in my own little bubble, refusing to pay attention to what's going on and ignoring the things that other people say that I don't like. But then when I do end up around other people, particularly people I'm not as familiar with, I just feel irrelevant and out of place. and uncomfortable.

Incidentally, the last two months have been a bit... socially exhausting for me, so I'm wondering if I'm just overreacting out of a need for more dedicated alone time. I think it's becoming more apparent to me now that there are just some worlds that I won't fit into in general. And that there are some people I just gravitate towards more easily than others, and other people I probably never would really get along with that well. I wish it weren't so though. 

Game Musings

Warning - another nerdy post.

"A culture's teachings, and most importantly, the nature of its people, achieve definition in conflict. They find themselves... or find themselves lacking."

Came across this quote while reading/watching a Let's Play of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II, and it struck me. It's meant to be more of an indicator of the philosophy of the character who speaks it than a standard truth persay, but it does make sense in a way. You can learn a lot about yourself from how you deal with conflict... or how you don't deal with it.

(Why am I going through a Let's Play rather than playing the game itself? Because I'm lazy and the game isn't on Steam. And also cause I mainly got interested in it in the first place cause of the story, considering that it's touted as a regular example of a Chris Avellone game... and after going through Planescape: Torment I suddenly have this desire to play- I mean read every game this guy makes.)

It occurred to me that there's games with stories that make you think about life and other stuff, like this one, and then there's games whose stories that don't necessarily inspire the same level of thought but are fun just for their aesthetic presentation or sense of epicness. I tend to put stuff like the Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts games in the latter category; the plots tend to make you think in the sense of being complicated or convoluted and thus requiring you to try and make sense of what happened, but when it comes down to it, it doesn't really matter so much why stuff happens. Most of the time, it's just the writers putting in events into the story to make it look cool and flashy, or leaving stuff out so that people can wildly make theories for the sake of making theories. I used to be pretty obsessed with the theory making discussions myself.

As far as games go, there's a few stories that that stick out to me in the interesting to think about category. Probably spoilers if you aren't familiar with the games. I'm mainly writing this out for my own amusement.

- Planescape: Torment, the obvious one. The question, "What can change the nature of a man?" is so often quoted from this game online that it feels a bit too common now to see the game get praised all over the internet for its greatness. What I really liked, though, was how each of the party members are linked to The Nameless One in their torment because of their own nature - and how necessary it was for them to eventually embrace that torment rather than escape from it.

- Persona 2: Innocent Sin/Eternal Punishment. The overarching plot of both games is pretty much a cosmic game between two Jungian entities from the collective unconscious that is kinda reminiscent of the debate between God and Satan from the book of Job, only a bit more secular and psycho-Japanese. Philemon comes across as a God-like figure who happens to be on our side but treats us as nothing but pawns in his game at the same time. Which I guess might sound accurate to some people.

- Xenogears/Xenoblade. The two games look drastically different in setting, but they're made in the vision of the same director and share a common theme in the final goal being to defeat "God," or at least the creator of mankind in that sense. Shares an emphasis with Persona 2 on the idea that humans should ultimately determine their own fate - part of me feels like maybe this is just something that the Japanese are obsessed with, cause it seems to come up a lot in other mediums like anime/manga too.

- The Longest Journey/it's sequel, Dreamfall. A subversion of the whole "chosen one" cliche that turns up in a lot of classic fantasy stories - and if you continue on to the sequel, what happens in the long run after the main character loses her sense of purpose as "the hero" after believing in a lie for so long. April Ryan is probably my favorite female character in a game. I didn't really care so much for the other two playable characters in Dreamfall (and Zoe was technically the main character there), but as foils to April's character and her plight, they worked.

- Gemini Rue. Deals with the issue of identity in a world where memories can be destroyed and created at another's discretion. Are we defined by our memories?

- Final Fantasy Tactics. The beginning and ending highlight the contrast in roles between the main character and his best friend - one is forgotten in time, and the other is remembered as a hero. But the disparity in the sacrifice (of integrity) that each makes brings up the question of who experienced the real tragedy. There isn't really that much to debate here, to be honest though, since the game is pretty clear in its presentation who it sees in the wrong.

I kinda wonder if this is meant to convey some kind of general moral lesson, since I get similar vibes from the director's other games (FFXII and Vagrant Story) also. I'm playing Tactics Ogre on the PSP right now - hoping to see if it adds anything else, seeing as how it's a spiritual predecessor.

- Starcraft. Before Starcraft II came out and tried to pull off an out of character redemption plot thread, I always liked how Infested Kerrigan was portrayed in the first game (in her words, "I'm pretty much the Queen ***** of the universe.") Her transformation from a hero into a major villain was fascinating to watch - was it a product of her forced biological transformation, a desire for revenge, or the discovery of the power that she was capable of?

..that's more of a rhetorical question, cause it seems kinda obvious by the end of the game that Kerrigan just loves having control and power over everything. She probably was just forced to keep it to herself when she was still a human and had all those neural inhibitors preventing her from doing anything out of line. It could be said that Brood War was the first time she really had total control over her own faculties, and so in a sense her true character came out when she started backstabbing everyone.

- I know I tell everyone that Chrono Trigger is my favorite game of all time, but I have trouble thinking of much else to the story [without including Chrono Cross and its deconstruction of the benefits of time travel]. Most of what I can think of has to do with how Lavos is portrayed as a planet-killing parasitic villain, when at the same time it's technically doing what it has to in order to live. Are there species worth killing because of how detrimental their existence is to other life?

... I'm looking at you, damn mosquitoes.

Be back after finishing KOTOR II/Mask of the Betrayer/Tactics Ogre/Portal 2 and maybe some Fallout/New Vegas. But I need to stop obsessing over games so much.

pride.

This originally started out as a post about rediscovering. Rediscovering feelings of wonder, of awe, of activities I used to enjoy but for whatever the reason I wound up stopping for a while, and then eventually forgot what it was like to enjoy such things. But then it turned to examining the reason why I stopped, or rather the reason why I began to avoid pursuing activities I used to enjoy in the first place. In fact, I have an active tendency to avoid doing things that I know I would probably enjoy doing... particularly when other people are around.

It pretty much boils down to pride. Pride that leads me to act irrationally in the presence of other people, because for whatever the reason, I hate to be seen doing these things. It often is because it reveals some vulnerability in my being. But it takes a lot for me to overcome these stupid feelings and actually enjoy myself in the presence of other people.

To sum up, a list of activities I enjoy (or do in general), but tend to avoid in the presence of other people. The reasoning behind these will probably come across pretty often as petty, selfish, and hypocritical. I know - it's something I need to work on.

- Swimming.
I took swimming lessons from first to fifth grade, so it's not like I'm scared of swimming pools or anything (although I'm still deathly afraid of the ocean. or rather, of sinking ships and planes crashing into the ocean and tsunamis and getting salt water in my eyes and drowning in large bodies of water in general.) The reason I stopped taking lessons has little to do with why I avoided swimming again for such a long time - but rather, it was because the next time I got around to swimming again, it was a couple of years later at a pool party and I'd already forgotten much of what I had learned in the past. and trying to relearn in front of other people who know how to swim was a bit humiliating, because to them it looked like I'd never really learned before. ("how could you forget how to swim? it's like riding a bike!") and I just couldn't take that.

So naturally, I did the irrational thing and simply avoided going near pools for long periods of time unless I had to. When people asked me if I want to go swim with them, I often made it sound like I hated going near swimming pools. In reality, however, the moment I get into a pool and stop worrying about what other people think, I LOVE IT.

It's funny, cause this past Sunday I finally forced myself to get over those stupid insecurities and managed to legitimately swim somewhat (more than I ever did in the past decade, anyway) in a pool. And it felt amazing. It wasn't even that much, considering that I didn't have my own pair of goggles and wasn't in the pool for that long, and it probably didn't look much like swimming to other people. But the feeling of actually swimming in a pool again... I'd forgotten how much I'd missed it.

Ironically, my apartment complex has a pool, but I've only used it once in the past year. I intend to change that soon... although I need to buy a pair of goggles cause I left my old ones in socal. But we'll see.

- Dancing to music I like. (besides swing music, anyway. unstructured dancing.) Currently I've been listening to the new Stars single that Elan sent me yesterday on repeat, and it makes me want to dance really badly. I did so while doing the dishes yesterday, and immediately stopped the moment Wes and Jess came in. >_>

- Listening to music I actually like without headphones. I got extremely pissed off this one time when someone turned my music off in the dorms for playing "indie crap," and since then generally don't play my own music in front of other people. part of me still grates inside whenever I'm in a car that's playing top 40 songs on the radio (half of the time because I hear them in Ryan L.'s freaking voice. sigh.). but I get by.

- Cooking, or learning to cook. I've made enough stupid mistakes while trying to learn that I'm afraid my more experienced friends would yell at me for it.

- Piano.
took lessons for 7 years, but stopped right before high school. I don't remember anything I used to play and it would take me a while to relearn how to properly play. the old argument of (how could you forget...) applies here also.

to be honest, though, I hated practicing. I would blame it on the fact that our piano at home had keys that wouldn't make any sound unless you banged on them hard enough... but I didn't really have a passion to play random music that I couldn't appreciate either. I didn't really start listening to music for the sake of enjoying music until a couple of years after. I think I would've enjoyed it more after the fact.

that said, I still randomly get the tunes of songs I used to be able to play stuck in my head from time to time. I miss being able to play them now.

- Watching anime. the negative stigma associated with it and its stereotypes gets to me, even though I shouldn't really care what other people think. I'll admit, I am a japanophile though.

- Playing starcraft, or any rts in general. I got yelled at in my old apartment for sucking at micromanaging once (I honestly never got good at it), and that... led to me breaking the hinges off of my laptop in a fury. Not proud of it.

- Going to the gym. I don't know if I actually enjoy the gym that much, but I know the reason I avoided going throughout college was because I had an irrational desire to not be seen by anyone, especially my own apartment-mates since they insisted on making me go so much.

- Watching full walkthroughs of games on youtube. this brings up the whole "why don't you play the game yourself?" issue, but in general I try to limit this to games I know I wouldn't really enjoy playing because it would stress me out too much. I actually like watching Eternal Darkness, for instance, but I can't stand playing it. The whole notion of being vulnerable and losing sanity by just being seen by enemies... it's too much like my nightmares.

- Resorting to a walkthrough to beat a game that I am playing. this is something I've done ever since I was little - sometimes I give up too easily and end up being impatient in wanting to see how the story plays out, or else get paranoid about missing something and don't want to have to replay the game again later. when people see me do this they usually call me out on it... which is probably merited.

- Reading the Bible, and praying by myself. I know Jesus talks about not praying in public essentially for the sake of looking pious in front of other people; I feel like I have the reverse issue of not wanting to look pious in front of other people because it would look too prideful of me, which in itself is a pride issue.

- Practicing speaking a foreign language. this mainly stems from a time when I was little and told my parents I could speak three languages (English, Spanish, and Indonesian), which was an exaggeration considering all I knew in Indonesian were simple phrases.

Me: Saya mau makan. (I want to eat)
Nanny: Ryan mau apa? (what do you want [to eat], Ryan?)
Me: Ada apa? (what is there [to eat]?)

My parents continue to bring this up in front of our relatives almost every year. Consequently, when I was in fifth grade and my mom asked me if I wanted her to teach me Indonesian for real, I said no. Typical of me.

- Being seen in wandering in public in general when I'm not expecting to be seen. I have this tendency to instinctively try to avoid people I recognize if they don't see me first, which is generally a combination of the desire to avoid awkward situations with the irrational fear of being followed or chased by anybody (which is a recurring theme in most of my dreams). This can often lead to the wrong impression of me trying to avoid specific people - I actually am trying to avoid everyone. Sometimes I wish I had an invisibility cloak for this reason.

- This doesn't really count as something that can be done without being in the presence of other people, but speaking my mind in general. I don't generally say what I think (or I can actively feel myself suppressing what I want to say), particularly when someone else says something that bothers me, which has been happening every once in a while lately. I guess I subscribe to the don't-say-anything-if-you-have-nothing-good-to-say idea, but sometimes I take it too far. This applies moreso to group conversations; I tend to be a lot more open with people one-on-one, if I feel comfortable enough with them. It would be a lot more relieving if I could actually voice my opinion for once... but too often I don't out of fear of opening myself to criticism. Or being told that it doesn't concern me, because sometimes I'm too nosy for my own good as well.

- A bit of a stretch, but being seen on my birthday. This is incredibly petty, but yesterday was miserable for me because I kept feeling paranoid about who was/wasn't wishing me a happy birthday, even though it doesn't matter because I don't generally wish everyone I know a happy birthday either. (I don't hold it against anyone who didn't.) I'd contemplated removing it from Facebook altogether just to avoid the issue, but I didn't want to get flak from people complaining that I was trying to hide my birthday. I'd intended for it to be an uneventful day anyway - but even then, all I could think of was how I wasn't doing anything on my birthday, as if I needed to feel sorry for something I wished for to begin with. Honestly, today in comparison has felt so much more freeing - to be able to move on and not worry about something so insignificant. My selfishness still gets the best of me.

Given all of this, it would seem like I'd be better suited for living alone, which I did pull off for a while last year. But loneliness is another issue altogether for me, and I really appreciate having Wes for a roommate. I'm still trying to work on being better about this stuff to the point where I can be comfortable about it in front of other people... but it's still a work in progress, I guess. Like everything else in life.

It's getting worse. I thought I'd lost a sleeping-bag pillow for a few seconds before realizing that I was holding it in my arms.

And then I lost a towel yesterday, although I was vaguely aware that something felt missing when I was leaving the place where I left it... but for whatever the reason I couldn't think of what was missing at that moment.

You would think that for someone who freaks out so much over losing things, I'd be more attentive to where my things are. I have this bad habit of not thinking through most of my actions, to the point that I don't realize what I'm doing half of the time.

Even when I do try to pay attention though, I come off as awkward and clumsy about things. I can't help but feel brain-dead and old these days.

At the beach, lying on the sand, Justin demonstrating how when you try to grasp a huge chunk of sand, it just slips through your fingers until there's nothing left.

That's how life feels like right now. Like it's just slipping through your fingers until you have nothing left to grasp.

Dream Post #43

- Freaking out at a sports shop after realizing that I left my backpack on an airplane, with no way of going back to retrieve it. And then finding out that they were only able to retrieve my laptop, which didn't relieve me all that much because then I started worrying about everything else that had been inside the backpack.

I had to wake up in the middle of the night to reassure myself that it was more likely impossible that I would ever walk off an airplane without remembering to take my backpack... which I always put at my feet when I'm on airplanes.

- I don't remember most of the second dream, but it ended with me inside a giant Super Shuttle, (whose interior resembled a cargo jet more now that I think about it) trying to stop it from riding a giant ocean wave and destroying everything in its path. I somehow managed to take out the pilots from afar using a weapon that wasn't really there - I think I inferred that I had a weapon because the pilots were dropping whenever I singled one of them out by sight? It felt more like I was having the view of one of those arcade shooter games.

randoms

- I feel like there must've been something magical in the air at Camp Jitterbug, cause one week later now and I already feel like I'm 10x suckier at social dancing again. not that I was that great up there, but at least I felt more comfortable dancing with random people on a regular basis. one bad dance last night was enough to kill my mood for the rest of the night. I need to work on communication... and dealing with fast/odd tempo music.

It's really hard to dance with a follow that knows how to... well, follow, because it becomes pretty apparent to them when you're not leading them well. and then they start telling you what you're doing wrong midway through the song, which is helpful, but at the same time kind of humiliating if you aren't intentionally having a practice session to begin with. sigh.

- A question I get asked sometimes: "Were any of your classes useful for your job?"
I guess the stuff that I found most applicable to what I'm dealing with now would be... (listed by Berkeley class)

- cs61b/data structures. it's kind of assumed that you know them off the bat anyway.
- cs61c/machine structures. mainly because I work with C, and memory management tends to be a big deal when it comes to routers. have even looked at assembly a few times via gdb.
- cs162/operating systems. considering I work in the network operating systems group, of all places. I was kinda surprised to see random topics from this class come up in varying ways at work.
- ee122/networks. so I didn't actually take this course, but in retrospect since I work on routers now, it would've been REALLY HELPFUL. although I've been able to pick up things somewhat on the job.

Honestly, though, most of the stuff that I needed for my job now, I wound up learning on the job... which I figure is typical for most jobs. I felt pretty useless the first month, and 10 months later I still feel like I barely know anything about the product I'm working on. I mean, I guess I can configure quality of service on a Cisco router now, but then again I have no idea what the heck is actually happening when I'm configuring it most of the time, and this is after staring at the source code for 10 months. -___-

- While reading C.S. Lewis's "Transposition" essay the other day, the only thing I could think about was linear algebra. Particularly when he started describing transpositions between "richer" and "poorer" systems as what pretty much was a many-to-one function. and so on.

To be honest, I'm not sure how much I like his writing - half the time it feels like he's using straw man arguments - but he has interesting insight sometimes.

- Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the thought of how little time there is to do anything. I find it hard to believe it's June already. I feel like I graduated last month. Oh wait.

- Those moments where you have people you want to see but nothing to say to them.