Auto-Pilot

Since summer started, I've pretty much been functioning on auto-pilot mode. Which basically entails me self-reflecting a lot less and approaching life as a series of tasks to be performed on my to-do list. It also entails me doing a lot of automatic actions while randomly thinking about things besides what I'm doing, which recently has led me to do some rather silly things like put empty tupperware into the fridge, toss freshly washed utensils into the trash, run my shoulder into walls, hit the ceiling with my hand/head when I'm getting up (I sleep on a loft), auto-land onto Johny's hate list, and a bunch of other random fail actions every day according to Nathan. I just don't think about what I'm doing before I act because my mind is always preoccupied with something else. I have a short attention span.

It's kinda progressed to the point where I've been called out for apparently having dropped to low levels of competence. Or perhaps just being incompetent at life, I guess. Which is a pretty big blow to my pride because I've always wanted to be someone that people could rely on. Every day this summer, however, I've just been racked with random little tasks that I somehow end up failing at for one reason or another, whether it be because of inexperience or because I happen to lack common sense when it comes to a lot of things, or because I intentionally choose not to do something until the last minute (because "I don't feel like it.") Nathan says that I used to be a lot more on top of things, but looking back at the past, I don't see how I was really ever any different before, considering I have the same common sense now as I did a few years ago. I just never really developed a good sense of a lot of basic things in life.

It's annoying because I've never liked being dependent on people, but my failings every day continue to remind me just how dependent I am on others. A lot of the times I don't take responsibility for things because I get annoyed when people nag at me for doing them wrong. This extends even into competitive games. People say that their comments are meant to "help" me, but historically I end up getting to the point where I purposely fail or give up anyway- which is probably related to why I somehow find a perverse enjoyment in being uncooperative with people. Why fail while trying not to fail when you can fail on purpose and be an asshole to other people?

I know, I know. This thinking isn't healthy. It's one of my personality flaws. But sometimes I just can't help but be this stubborn. I've even stopped caring about whether or not other people can view me as reliable anymore. At least I try to make it look that way. It still hurts inside. This past week, all that I've been hearing from other people and in my head is fail fail fail... try and I fail. don't try and I fail. I've become incompetent. Why do I fail so much at life. I feel like I'm just letting people down everyday. Why am I not getting this done fast enough. It makes me ****ing sick.

These past few weeks, I've been really distant from God. God somehow doesn't factor into my auto-pilot mode - probably because if he did, and I actually started listening to him, I would actually start thinking about what I was doing and try to improve myself for once. Regardless of what other people say. No more of this "I'm not going to help anyone because I can" bs. What I'm doing isn't loving at all. It just makes me feel empty inside.

Time to do things right for once.