This week went by ridiculously fast. I don't know where my head went; somewhere lost in 150 lab between working on the project and hwing and staring at multiple computer screens at once. There's only about 3 weeks or so left in the semester, but I really don't want it to end yet. I feel like there's so much I still haven't done yet, yet I'm basically going to be a senior come a month from now. I still haven't figured out what I'm doing this summer, or next year, or in the future in general. I feel like I've been given a lot more time than I thought I would have, but somehow I still managed to waste it anyway.
I am still a bit miffed about sweater + midterms + other failings, but I'm slowly starting to move on. I think the social justice talk at LG today helped me go back to looking at things from the big picture, to remember how fortunate I really am to have had the experiences I've had. My life could be so much worse right now, but everyday all I see fit to do is complain about the things that are wrong with it, to criticize every flaw that I see in myself, in this campus, in this world, in these relationships right now. I keep putting out excuses for why I'm not thankful, for why I can't talk to God, for why I can't talk to people, for why I just want to sit here and stare blankly right now and mope about my personal failures. I say that it's just a phase I can't help right now, that eventually I'll get to a point where I can reconcile all of this and move on forward. But it never really happens the way I intend it to.
I realize that I have been trying to live out a dream that has proved to be unrealizable for me. Except that I have always refused to see it as such, as I have always been the kind of person who believed that if I only tried hard enough, I could achieve anything. I believed in personal progress. In myself. In my ability to reach for the stars.
However, college has been one of the most ego destroying experiences of my life. I've pretty much lost confidence in my ability to succeed in one of the only areas I thought I could succeed at. (Which is why I get even more incensed when Johny starts going off about how much "better" I am than him.) My first inclination whenever I even so much as look at a problem is to give up. And feel bothered about it for a long time.
Back during spring break I hit a sudden thread of optimism, hope coming from a sudden inspiration that so long as I continued to have faith, so long as I continued working, good things would happen. I was stressed because I thought I had so little time to do the crap I needed to do, but I discovered that I'd been provided with much more time than I expected, time and time again. And I was actually getting things done that I'd meant to do for a long time. I felt brimming with this feeling that God was powering me to do anything.
But then I got sick. And I f---ed up on two midterms. And I thought I lost my ipod. And then I really lost my black sweater and a dress shirt. And then I actually got the midterms back, and I had a project to work on that was completely over my head, and I didn't get what was going on in any of my classes anymore. And I still was worried about housing next year and not having a plan for the summer and not having the qualifications needed to go to grad school. And I just really didn't want to talk to or see anyone. I was upset that I let all of this get to me to the point where I felt miserable during both Johny's birthday and BAN. I felt more at home staring at the computer screen in 150 lab than anywhere else; there were times where I just stayed in lab even though I didn't have any work to do there.
Of course, as bad as it all sounds, things weren't entirely that bad. I was still able to talk to people, sometimes. I was still able to enjoy the good things that happened at BAN. I managed to finish the project with Jason on time, and I oddly felt at piece after totally flunking an interview. I also discovered three new series that now top my favorites list - but that's another story.
I think the point is that right after the moment where I felt like I had the most power, I totally lost it in an instant. My mood soured the moment I got sick, and then I just couldn't handle seeing one failure after another. I lost the conviction I had as quickly as I had gained it. I became more aware of how easily discouraged I was - and how petty I was. I mean, come on, it was just a freaking sweater. I felt like life was just a really poorly designed roller coaster - the kind that makes you really sick of it afterwards, because it just tosses you up and down and everyone in a way that really is not enjoyable. I just didn't like the fact that I could feel so easily devastated, feel so weak.
Over the course of the last few weeks, I guess I've been in the process of recovering from this depression... and rethinking the way I do things. Lately I've become too dead set on achieving goals that I set for myself, evaluating my self-worth based on how many of these I can accomplish in a set period of time without really accounting for my own need to rest and take a breather. I've become so deadlocked into my dream of simply getting into grad school and then finding a good paying job that I've forgotten about what's really important - living life itself the way God intended for me to live it. I don't even know if grad school is what's really right for me - it just always seemed to be the safest and reassuring path.
Especially in recent light of today, I've been reconsidering the possibility of doing other things... And to be honest, I don't really see myself pursuing a high paying job. I don't even see myself doing a conventional EECS job. I don't really know what I do see myself in yet... but I know that I won't be satisfied with the safe path.
I guess right now I'm still trying to get my priorities straight. There are a lot of things I still want to do before leaving this place... things that till now I've been shoving off to the side in favor of worrying incessantly about the future and then distracting myself from it. But that is going to change.
Today will be a good day, God. It will.
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