I need to work on my diet. It would appear that the only food I ate today consisted of carbs + a small helping of beans. That's it, I'm going out tomorrow.

I'm kinda rather really extremely worried about the final on Thursday, mainly that I feel so unprepared for it right now. Even just going off of midterms, I feel like if I were to be given an actual problem on the exam I wouldn't be able to finish it correctly. I've found that I'm really prone to stupid mistakes or misconceptions in this class; I've had to rehearse the concept of ordered and unordered balls and bins repeatedly since they first introduced it back in late Feb. and I still don't have that great of a grasp on it. I need practice... but I don't have enough time to. What does it take to pass...

sigh. if I don't get into EECS cause of this, it's ok. I learned my lesson. I guess. again. CS doesn't mesh well with trying to focus on a multitude of other subjects at once. Time is variable.

in other news..

- I find myself apologizing a lot for no particular reason nowadays. For things that I don't really feel that sorry about. This is what I mean by needing to be more genuine.

- I don't like it when the manner in which some people speaks takes on an accusatory tone. Stuff like, "damn it, why didn't you..." or "why'd you have to..." being said to people who didn't know what the other person expected them to do or not do. It's as the originators of these sayings don't want to take responsibility for the things that they could have had control over, you know. I don't really mean to be condescending about it (this time I'm serious), but it just bugs me when I hear these statements because they do tend to ease blame for a matter away from the person saying it. Maybe I just feel more acclimated to a culture where people are expected to take responsibility for the things that happen to them regardless of whether they actually are responsible for it. Of course, that isn't a good thing either... but there's a thin line there.

- I need to be more committed to my responsibilities.

- I've started to fall away from the whole concept of "this person's inconsiderate because they didn't seem to care about me." At least in my own experiences, I find that a lot of this stems from my own attitude (hence my reflections on my recent states of apathy) - if I'm not more open and friendly towards other people, then it's hard to expect people to reciprocate that, you know. And considering thoughts such as "this person evidently doesn't care about my situation..." - well it's not like I exhibited a lot of care towards that person's situation in the past either. Maybe I'm coming across in a vague manner... (considering that I don't like attributing my own thoughts to myself) but the point being, I've been feeling a lot of need for change in my own attitude in order to reach out to other people. I hope to keep following this thought in the future.

- I realize blogs can be a source of entertainment for people, but this particular blog has been more of an outlet for personal frustrations than a way for me to entertain other people. I don't really mind it when other people read my blog, but as I'm not actively looking for ways to make people smile or anything like that... I don't want it to be seen that way either. Okay, so perhaps I'll read blogs when I'm bored... but I read because it makes me think about things. This blog makes me reflect in ways that I don't normally get to do otherwise. Although I'm thinking about adopting handwritten forms also, because that in itself is expressive in ways that I can't really show here either. But yeah, when I'm serious on here, I'm pretty serious... so I don't take comments lightly. Well, I suppose unless your name is Johny.

tee hee hee.

I love writing about people who are sitting right next to me... it's making me smile right now. ...OKAY okay so I'm weird like that. But it's so fun though!

Fin.