I regret not keeping better in touch with friends from home.

There are certain people I wish I were better friends with, but I don't really know why I do. And by better, I mean I wish I were really close friends with them. The thing is, there are certain outer qualities about them that I like, but at the same time I don't really know them because I never really got to know them well back then. And then you know, we'll run into each other in the present and it'll be weird/awkward because I sense that we don't really know what to say to each other because we don't really know each other. So I don't really have any justification for wanting to be better friends with them because I don't know them well enough to know what it is I would like about them. And you know, you can only go so far with liking people for their outer qualities.

And knowing extends beyond liking the same things... I am friends with people who don't necessarily like the things I like, and vice versa. There's another level that extends beyond just knowing and sharing a common interest- the level that resides in knowing the qualities of a person and being able to accept them for who they are in spite of their shortcomings. For being willing to put up with them and love them at the same time. For caring about how they feel, in the midst of all of the problems that have been going on in their lives. For liking a person just for the way they are.

Knowing a person is complicated though. You know how they say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover? I feel like at the moment I'm inclined to brand everyone with a good book cover, and then start to notice things when I start to read through their pages, if it ever reaches to that point. But then there are some people I want to be friends with more than others, based on what little knowledge I have of them. And that meager amount of knowledge isn't good enough to justify why I actually would want to become friends with them, considering I might hardly interact with them ever.

And then say that you do know them. Then you have to deal with the difficult task of making the effort to keep up with them, because when you start getting busy with your life you can only make so much time for certain people. And then you have to choose who you want to hang out with, or else wear yourself thin between a ton of different people who don't get to see you that often. And then what if the some of the people you want to be friends with are people who feel less inclined to do so with you because they see that you're already preoccupied trying to keep in touch with other people? And what about those people who've already "known" you for several years and never really talked to you outside of casual talk? Then they might ask, why should we bother talking now if we never did before? It's all one big mess.

And what the heck is all this talk about "knowing" people anyway? Stupid facebook quizzes asking, "How well do you know _______?" It's possible to live with someone for over ten years and not know somone, even though you're sharing the same personal space. Knowing is relative. People don't even know themselves. I don't even know myself that well. So why do we care so much?

Ideally I wish I could just go up to someone I don't really know that much and just be able to talk about anything with them, you know. but that never happens. I'll have "deep" conversations with someone and then the next time I see that person we'll barely say hi. I don't know if it's coming from my side or their side or if it's mutual. And then I start feeling discouraged when it appears that the other person doesn't make the effort to respond to me. That's probably 3/4ths of the reason why I'm not that close with the said above people. One person told me that it seemed like I was perpetually busy all the time. Am I really?

Okay, so I am. Even though I try to make time for outside things, and I'm getting tired of not having enough time every semester after semester. And half the time I see people, I'm not exactly in the "mood" for seeing people, so I come across distant and out there, like the way I'm probably acting now. Sometimes it sucks being an introvert. Oh, and I'm also lazy at keeping in touch with people when it's not convenient for me to do so. Facebook is kinda the epitome of that. And sometimes I'll push it off to the point that I forget. This sucks.

Knowing... Dak'kon didn't know himself. The sermon this Sunday talked about how we still don't really know God, but there's a lot of things that God still wants us to know. And I can treat my relationship with God the way I do with the other people I know, considering that sometimes I feel like I know God less than any person I do in real life. but I can also still possess the same earnest desire to want to know God, right? Couldn't I say the same of other people?

And I wish me being "busy" weren't a factor into all of this. I feel like I miss out on enough things because I'm caught up in other things as it is. I hate being alone just as much as I need it.

Point being, there is no way I will ever truly "know" you. I can only come across bits and pieces of the person known as you, and form my perception of you based off of that... But I can still find satisfaction in this neverending quest to approach "knowing" you. You, who are appreciated; you, who are loved; you, who are special. To be able to like you just for the sake of being you. That is the only reason I would ever want to know you. So thanks for everything.