how do I perceive relationships? are they like fruit trees in a garden that I have to go about and make sure I nurture in a timely fashion in order to make sure their fruit can still grow?

I feel like after a while it's easy for me to start treating the important things around in a mechanistic fashion, like how I've tended to do with my entertainment in the past. I have to 'schedule' people around into my life, so to speak, or else we'll never end up meeting. events will never happen, relationships will never have a chance to bud. but if I treat them all like random events that I somehow have to fix into a schedule, I end up forgetting about the reason I want to do them in the first place. it's not about getting them done; it's about making the most of their moments and enjoying them while I can. I should see people because I want to see them, not because I feel like I have to see them. but as the amount of time I get to spend in socal decreases by the day for each visit, I feel like it's impossible for me to escape this thread. say hi to people who I won't talk to for a few months, come back again, rinse and repeat. almost as if I only care about you while I'm here and it benefits me, but not while I'm not around. it feels like the last few breaks have consisted of nothing but events with people that I've planned, leaving me no time to enjoy myself.

I'll admit, it's difficult to keep in touch with a lot of people. sometimes I feel like I just want to be a recluse for a long time, and not be bothered by anyone. but of course after a while I would just dread that. I can't reconcile these conflicting feelings well, so I wind up doing things that I feel forced to do but at the same time don't think I could do without.

I value the moments that happened; I just wish I could make more of them while I'm still there, you know? raise the quality of the time spent, rather than let it degrade into those moments where we're just sitting there twiddling our thumbs together.

what are the things I really value? I feel like lately I've just been piling all of the things in life that I enjoy one after another in succession and forcibly going through them all at once because I won't have time once I start getting busy again. but that takes away from my ability to enjoy them like I intend to. but I dislike not being busy though, so I can't help but make myself busy. I want everything at once, and then I want nothing. it's all circular.

I suppose I still haven't learned to give some of it all up, now have I.