it is easy for me to get caught up in thoughts to the point where I am mostly ignorant of the world around me. I miss out on a lot of things then.

--

there are moments when I wish I could say more to people but don't feel like saying more for one reason or another. partly because I get the feeling I won't like what they'll have to say in response.

I get annoyed when I see certain qualities in people that bug me that only they can change if they want to. qualities that might strike me as immature. but I'm not the one to judge them for that.

but oftentimes I am quick to judge, because I am not capable of knowing the processes that really are taking place in their mind. and I feel a certain pride for they are not capable of knowing what is going on in my mind at this moment.

I got annoyed once when a person told me that he could see me for the kind of person that I was. that I was predictable. almost as if I fit a certain expectation of his, static, never changing. this person's nickname for me was "nerdy."

this struck me as an immature way of viewing things, of automatically presuming a static personality of someone because they appeared to conform to a certain standard. people in real life are not static, even if they believe themselves to be. they are malleable. they change over time. they are more dynamic than the cardboard cutout characters that you find in books and in tv, more real than the stereotypes that you see made fun of and acknowledged in the media and in pop culture. we are capable of being shallow at some points in our lives, but that does not mean that we are always shallow. that is what it means to be human.

but aside from that random rant for now, I hated being labeled a certain way. I constantly felt a need to defy this person's expectations, to shock them with my true character. where I've been, what I've done, what I did to get from where I was to where I am now, etc. and this all contributed to that ghastly specter known as pride - for thinking that I was too complex to really be known by anyone. in some ways I would see myself as superior in my thoughts and interests to other people, for thinking myself more sophisticated than the average guy.

hahaha, I'm not, really. I'm quite average. quite extraordinary as an individual, perhaps, but quite average as a human. I'm also guilty of my own faults. I'm also the immature one here, for automatically trying to look down on someone who looks down on me. It seems like it'd be merited, you know, but it's not really. Not when it starts to proceed to exaggerated proportions of me looking down on every aspect of a person's life. Even if the person feels the same way about me... I don't feel like it's fair to do the same thing back? because then it's easy for me to start getting carried away and doing it to people who don't "deserve" it, you know. It's better to not just start altogether. and not to sound sappy or anything, but after a while I've found that even the people who "deserve" it have value too.

I feel like for the past while or so now, I've been struggling to learn what it means to appreciate other people, even the people who I might ordinarily start to look down upon for one reason or another. even the people that insult me - particularly those among my friends who do - why do I still consider them my friends, now? sometimes, I wonder if it'd have been easier if I just avoided them so that I wouldn't have to deal with all of the conflicted feelings that I've been having lately.

no. this conflict is necessary. I don't believe in karma persay, but I do believe that certain things happen in our lifetimes for a reason. I don't regret the things that have happened so far, and I'm starting to learn not to regret the things that haven't happened. it might not be pleasant, it might not be easy... but it's necessary. there's a reason why I feel the need to address this entire issue now, at this moment. because I need it. because confronting issues like these is what makes us dynamic.

"love your neighbor" - what a tough concept. a good concept, but a tough one.