Contradiction

I was looking at the blog of a friend of a friend, and it got me pondering. This person is someone who I can see God moving in and working, someone who exudes life and all of its beauty, someone who is dearly beloved. And I started... wondering. What is God doing with my life right now?

Moreover, what am I doing right now? I felt like earlier he was trying to say something to me, inside me, and I wondered if I was really hearing it. So I tried acting on it... sort of. And nothing came of it. And I was feeling sick and out of it at the same time, and a bit unsure as to if anything was actually happening. And so I left, not knowing why, singing "Oh The Wonderful Cross" while walking and struck by the irony that while singing it, I felt like I was doing something that God didn't plan for me to do. Or rather, I wasn't doing what God was planning for me.

I don't really know why I do the things I do, sometimes. There are some things I clearly want right now, yet every move I make is purposefully done so that I don't get what I want. I seem to be accustomed to denying myself the things I want that are actually worthwhile, while acting on a whim to acquire things that aren't really worthwhile. I wish I could convey myself better to other people, but for some reason I end up just sitting there, oddly wanting to be alone and not be alone at the same time. 
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I tried going to sleep earlier while listening to "Alison" on repeat, but the nap I took after class made it impossible for me to sleep. Not that it's natural for me to sleep with music playing, anyway; last time I had Asobi Seksu's "Goodbye" playing on repeat and I wound up waking at 5 AM to the same music I had fallen asleep to. It was a weird experience.
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I wanted to end the post I wrote last night with the line, "I ****ing hate cliques," but it didn't seem appropriate at the time. But while walking today that was all I could think of. I feel like almost all of my social interactions/thoughts during them/observations that I make of other people have been influenced by that thought. Not that I hate the people themselves; I generally like the people I know in cliques, but I hate the fact that they're in a clique. And yet I don't so much mind when I find myself in one. I'm kind of a hypocrite there. But I tend to avoid them if I notice that they're forming anyway.

I'll admit it, I am probably more jealous of the cliques I see than anything. And I tend to make it worse by distancing myself from those people to make that feeling stronger. This goes back to what I said above about denying myself the things I want. It's a bad practice of mine. But I keep doing it.

The line "teach me how to love like you have loved me" has never been more applicable than it has now. I want to learn how to love people and not judge them for their... cliqueishness. Blah.

This sickness is causing my jaw to ache.