Well, I've been meaning to write something legitimate for a while and have started several posts over the past couple of weeks without ever finishing them for one reason or another, so I hope THIS time around I'll get to finishing what I'm thinking.
So yeah. I've been sorta pondering at random times for the past while, thinking about regrets. You know, those little things you wish you'd never done- or done before times became too late to do them. Part of my mentality since college started (which would include my obsessive schedule planning) is kinda based out of my fear of not getting to do everything I wanted to do before leaving college. And yet somehow along the way I end up piling other regrets anyway, because these things are always inevitable. I lament the fact that I didn't really get to know people at home better, and then look back to that time that I used to obsess over whether or not I was doing something each night with other people or not.
I can't say that those feelings have totally escaped me, but lately I seem to have just... stopped caring? for lack of a better term. I've had other opportunities to be social and stuff, and lately I've been finding myself oh too often wishing I was just by myself and enjoying my own activities, which I've mostly taken the liberty of doing this break. I am finally almost done with Legend of the Galactic Heroes, finished Wind-Up Bird Chronicle and Umineko EP5, and am making good progress in Tex Murphy: Under a Killing Moon and Gaudy Night,.... buuuuut...
It gets to a point where, you know, I start feeling that there are other things I should be doing. It's sort of a restlessness now, that isn't satiated by the things I'm doing at home or even when I do go out (which I've unwittingly done every night this week before tonight) or get a chance to have fun with the family. It's clear to me that I'm not quite living out the life I want to be living right now - but at the same time, I don't know what the life I want to be living is. What kind of things I ought to be doing every day once I actually start... working? What kind of job should I be doing? Hm. Or even before that- shouldn't I be doing something more meaningful with my life?
I recall reading another blog post a while back regarding activities that were and weren't productive in some way. Being with friends ought to be productive in the sense that it helped build relationships and stuff- however, it wasn't something to be completely relied on as a foundation for a lifestyle because friends will change, come, and go throughout life. On the other hand, games and tv shows aren't really productive in the same way for obvious reasons, and mostly there for self-enjoyment. And then you have work, which ought to produce something useful, right? Hm, where was I going with this...
So I guess lately... I dunno. Thinking about the things I ought to be doing right now. I ought to be looking for research opportunities. I ought to make a better effort at keeping in touch with people I don't get the chance to see as often, or with just everybody in general. I ought to be doing things for once with the people I can see right now. I ought to be setting time aside for God, because right now I really need it. I ought to do something about my external hard drive one of these days before my lappie crashes or something.
What does it all come down to? I feel restless when things aren't resolved. Speaking of which, another thing I'd like to work on: (oh boy a resolution!) making my opinions more vocal. Granted, the last thing I want to do is get into an argument with someone, because I typically hate arguing with people, which is why I don't usually voice what I'm thinking. But at the same time, it makes me more distant and detached from people in general. There are lot of things I hate to admit (and lately I've been avoiding admitting things to myself, which is the worst), but I need to get out and just admit them right now. And not worry about how other people will respond, even if some responses I've heard already do bother me. but eh, it's all about being more transparent about my life. It's something that I personally feel the need to do.
Well seeing as how the Umineko craze kinda died down finally, and I'm getting close to being done with some things, I might take more time to be a bit more thoughtful of what's going on now. Or I might not. Well I should. Bleh. I'm just really greedy about the things I want to do sometimes.
I will admit for one thing; I am self-conscious about the fact that I don't do a lot of the things I should do. I mean, as a Christian. as God's son. Besides paying respect to him at meals and right before sleeping for the past couple of weeks, I haven't actually done much of anything to actually talk to him like I would back at Berkeley, and even then I felt like I ought to have been doing more. Making his words more real through my actions and not just through my thoughts, which in themselves are so easily influenced by random distractions and my attention span which goes out of whack sometimes.
I hate the fact that so often I find myself looking down upon the things that God puts in front of me. It is more often my instinct to smirk or ignore advice given to me through someone else straight from Scripture, perhaps because it might seem trite or old or "I knew this already" or yada yada. But I don't really "know" anything. I've already been smacked in the face a number of times with this fact, because in the past a verse that seemed rather obvious and didn't need to be stated... well, it did need to be stated. Because God's solution to my current problems had been there forever, and I just never bothered to think twice about it and actually apply it to myself. Or maybe I just was too stubborn to actually take that step. Stupid pride.
(It is annoying now that I can recall having experienced this feeling a bunch of times in the past but for most of these times cannot recall the verse that applied.)
Another thing: I am self-conscious when people ask me what I've been doing. I don't like to talk about what I've been doing because it auto-instigates an inferiority complex in me from the response I get or from when I hear about what other people have been doing. I don't know why I bother to care, because I don't really care that much about the fact that I'm not doing much. It's only when I have to acknowledge this in front of other people that I am bothered. And I hate acknowledging things.
Acknowledging that lately.. I haven't been hearing things. Or trying to hear things. I've kinda grown accustomed to expecting to hear from God in unorthodox ways, because expecting a straight answer the moment I ask him something... doesn't usually happen. The biggest answer I ever got took 7 years worth of waiting for me to get and another 2 years for me to actually respond to. I always get the impression that I'm just horrifically slow and inefficient when it comes to talking to God, considering that given the amount of times I've actually talked with him, I tend to forget about what I talked to him about within the same day, so it's like God's having a conversation with Dorey, that blue fish from Finding Nemo that had short term memory loss. Conversations like that don't tend to get very far.
In spite of all of this, looking back at the things I have done... yeah, I don't feel like repeating my life again. I am glad things turned out the way they did- not perfect but certainly could have turned out a lot worse. I'm glad I am no longer socially obsessive, because if I were right now I'd be manic-depressive the rest of my life. I'm thankful for what I have been blessed with (perhaps blessed a little too much with >_>), and well, the rest of my problems... they're not life threatening.
Oddly, having written all this, I am feeling really content with life right now. Maybe it's because I was finally able to get out some of the things I've been meaning to get out of my head for a long time, and the other things I wanted to get out didn't really seem like that big of a deal anymore.
But because I'm a nerd, I feel like ending by commenting on the number of Beatrices in Umineko, because there's enough of them to make a harem or something (which is what Battler's probably aiming for. pah)
1. Kinzo's Lover Beatrice
2. Cliff-Falling Beatrice
3. Evil Culprit Beatrice
4. Doomsday Beatrice
5. Virgilia/Original Beatrice
6. Beato/Meta-Beatrice
7. Eva-Beatrice
8. Ange-Beatrice
9. Moe-Blob Beatrice
10. Troll-Suit Beatrice
This story just got hecka confusing. and yes, I said hecka.
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