Th

So today while driving (or was it yesterday?) I was having one of those weird moments where I was driving somewhere, and then I started thinking about how my brain has this tendency to go on autopilot while driving and wondering how I could choose to start or stop the car without paying attention to the cars in front of me. And then the next thing I next, I was four blocks away from where I started thinking, and I realized that I had no recollection of driving down those four blocks within the last 30 seconds, and I got a bit scared inside. I started worrying about how I could drive safely anywhere when I'm not paying attention to where I'm driving half the time, yet am somehow able to subconsciously? avoid collisions while driving. I rarely feel conscious of the fact that I'm actually driving, and it scares me.

I have a lot of these random moments that I wish I could jot down at the time, and then end up forgetting later on because I don't keep track of them afterwards. But lemme see what other things I can recall anyway.

- I don't like it when people diss on musicals. Something about how the songs in musicals disrupt the story/movie in a musical movie, and how the music should be enhancing the atmosphere somehow or etc. Em, I'm no expert, but I'd say that songs in musicals are not meant to disrupt the flow of the musical; the purpose of a musical is that it develops its plot, characters, settings, etc. primarily through its songs. At least in a good musical, some of its most emotionally charged moments and greatest developments will take place during a song, and that is what so often makes the musical genre itself enjoyable.

That's not to say that there aren't musicals whose songs do disrupt the plot, but eh, it varies. I do love a good musical though.

- I seem to make a lot of emphasis on active thoughts counting as productive thoughts and passive thoughts as... not productive. But after reading a friend's blog entry about silence... hm, maybe. I think I tend to overlook the silent moments I have lot, although perhaps because I'm too busy trying to clutter them with thoughts. I am in some ways afraid of perfect silence, because I expect to have some kind of awe-inspiring moment if I take the time to commit to maintaining such a silence and am afraid that I'll just be disappointed, because that's how I've come to expect things of God nowadays. Or maybe it's just that I suspect that I'll have some kind of life shattering moment where I start realizing how empty my life is or something.

- I haven't been doing God justice. Yes, yes, yes, like I would say to my parents every time they remind me about this or that, yes I know this, yes I already know that, yes, yes, YES, I know that God loves me. Yes, I know that whatever I do won't change that, never has, never will, that he cares about what I do but that that fact doesn't mean what he thinks of me will change based off of what I do. but at the same time, when I stumble, when I fall, and I feel so ashamed to look at him in the face- look at all of the personal idols that I've amassed-
and I tried, I really did. I looked at the Psalm that he gave me, read over it. Did I now? I don't know what I thought of it
overdramatic
and I love God, love all tried, but trying isn't doing and I prayed, and I wrote, and I refuse to look at what I wrote, because I am ashamed for reasons I don't know but I do.
(And this is the point where I stop making sense to myself)

I don't know what's real and what's fake anymore
and hate being unsure of myself, which I so often am.
unsure because all this time I've been unwilling to commit to anything
because I have been unable to commit to any venture that I have tried to start since I started
and am afraid that all I am going to get is disappointment, afraid that I will be willing to settle for less
and claim that oh, God did this in my life, when in reality I have no idea what he actually did.
Because I am so used to being concretely told what I should know, rather than discovering these facts for myself, because I am so used to being disappointed and discovering nothing.
absolutely nothing.

It's the end of break, God.
and I am hating every second of it
because of all of the things I "accomplished"
you weren't one of them.

but you still love me anyway.
what a concept.

- for once I think I am going to need a break from watching/reading stuff. a loooong break.
of course, I doubt it'll actually be that long. but a break's a break.