Deep Conversations

So... so. I feel like I've been out of the loop lately. Or rather, in general. Actually, I don't even know if the loop actually exists or if it's just some thing that my jealous imagination indulges in. It's like I suffer from this paranoia that somewhere, some event or exchange of confidence is taking place that I am being left out of.

Well naturally, I'm not privy to everything to begin with, so my fears are pretty useless anyway. I guess it's more to put it... I've been missing deep conversations. To be honest, I don't really know what constitutes a "deep" conversation of my liking anymore, but I feel like I haven't really had one in a really long time... although I've actually tried to have one a few times more recently, but for some reason I always found myself incapable of conveying what I actually wanted to say, so those attempts didn't really get anywhere.

I think if life went the way I wanted to I'd be able to have a meaningful conversation with every random person I meet on the street. Of course, instead I have to deal with not feeling comfortable about saying things to the people I do see everyday, because some things are better off not said to some people and I'm insecure like that. The last response I want to get from anyone ever again is a "Why are you telling me this?"... it makes me feel like a horrible person.

Lately, there's just been a lot of random things that have been popping up in my mind, but I don't feel comfortable bringing them up in front of people that the subject doesn't concern as well as the people that it does concern, so I'm kinda left to mull on the subject myself. And when I do want to mull on the subject, I forget about it sometime between when I first thought of it and when I actually get the time to think (as in, not during class- my attention span is the size of a worm) and I'm just left with an uncomfortable "aftertaste" sort of feeling.

OH I finally remember something. I feel like I don't appreciate people enough. Or like ever. At least, not in the present giving sense. I kinda suck at present giving, and so hence I haven't really given anyone a present (not counting Secret Santa) since... last September-ish? It might not seem like that long, but before that I can't recall the last time I got someone a present, and yet I've gotten a number of presents from people since then. I kinda lack the creativity in coming up with good presents to begin with, and I'm turned off by the fact that in my experience with present giving, particularly when I had to come up with it myself... I didn't feel... appreciated enough?

I mean, not that I should expect people to lavish me with praise or anything, but when I give a present, I like to see people actually use it the way it's meant to be used, not just toss it into some bag and forget about it. And then I write people cards that are written in my mind-rambling style and I notice that they don't finish reading my card. Or maybe that's just what it looks like to me. I don't know. Maybe it's because my cards don't actually possess that much substance and it's more an acknowledgment of how much I don't actually know you? That's what my yearbook entries were like, too.

I feel out of the loop when it's my friend's birthday and all of my other friends got my friend a present and I didn't. I feel out of the loop when my friends are able to have meaningful conversations and confide in each other and I can't with any of them. I feel out of the loop when my friends got together for a fun event and I didn't even know about it. When I'm not allowed to see my friend on her birthday because I didn't get to know her well enough back when I still could see her almost everyday. Even though back then, I already felt out of the loop, like they were already part of some closed circle that I could only see but not touch.

Nathan used to tell me every so often, "It doesn't concern you." Most of the time it was because I was wearing my earphones that block out the outside world and I would see him talking in my direction which made me think he was talking to me. But honestly, if I know that something doesn't concern me then I tend to prefer not to ask unless the person I'm asking doesn't seem to mind saying.

I was sort of bothered in the past by this, because I used to think that somehow, people who always had to be talking about these things that don't concern me somehow had more complicated, more interesting lives than I did. I feel like my life is too simple to talk about; the only drama I ever seem to have has to do with school/what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I don't generally have problems with people, and if I do, my liking of them tends to overrule those problems. I don't know, maybe I've just been risk avoidant by trying not to get on anyone's bad side. Because I like harmony, you know? But I don't like feeling happy-go-lucky when I know someone else is feeling down. Even though there usually isn't anything I could do for them...

Of course now, I realize that a lot of the things that I thought were important weren't really that important to begin with. Or it's over now. Like I didn't really miss that much. But I did miss something, though. I missed people.

But looking at it now, so did other people around me, and they're just moving on with their lives just fine. Maybe I should take a straw from them and do the same thing. Because it doesn't concern me.

There were other things that popped up in my head earlier, but none of them are relevant to this. and so I rest.