I kinda went into a state of madness during class today. I got to class a few minutes late, wasn't able to sit next to IV people in Slavic and somehow wasn't able to pay attention to what Paperno was speaking about, so I started writing random stuff that came up in my head... well not the usual random stuff, cause this was more ordered.

Apparently I had some kind of epiphany while I was walking to class (well more like second realization) that for some reason I had stopped caring about the things I used to care about this semester. Well, more to say that I didn't care about things as much as I used to care about. I used to be really big about scheduling, keeping to a certain standard with my classes, thinking about people, being optimistic about the future.... and for some reason in the past few days I feel like I've been losing that. I realize that I've been less responsive in the last few days (partly because of video games though), but even when I started to notice that I was in fact shrugging people and my work off more, I didn't really care. I didn't care to listen to the lecture today even though I usually like listening to Paperno speak. I didn't care to ask for someone's notes because I hadn't been paying attention. All I wanted to do was satisfy my own whims, doing whatever I felt like... but then I started reaching this point where I couldn't tell what I wanted to do anymore.

And so my writing in class started progressing towards madness. My writing got worse, I was switching between modes of frantic, excited scribbles and slow, exaggerated, unable to lift my pencil off the paper... and I started screaming on paper. About... the stupid concerns I'd been complaining about. writing in cursive. Not being able to stand the damage I'd been doing to my self-image. Feeling like I didn't want to talk to God. Wondering whether or not I should go to Engineering Prayer. Not remember the things I wrote ten seconds ago. Not knowing what I was doing anymore in this last weeks. I'm sick of school. I'm sick of this life. So I started yelling to random people like Pinocchio, calling myself ridiculous, visualizing the moment that Kenji's sister felt in 20th Century Boys when she realized that she had created a virus that would eventually wipe out the 96% of the population on earth-

I am Godzilla.
I crushed 150,000 under my feet.

-drawing pictures of arrows going insane, hating the recurring motif of me losing all of my possessions randomly throughout the day, likening myself to the Joker, initialling my name, thinking I was ok, thinking about those people that lose control and kill everyone around them, writing in big letters "I am NOT, I am NOT" and somehow accidentally writing a Z after that, randomly capitalizing nonsense, feeling the need to just jump out of my seat and leave right at that moment because I didn't want to sit in that chair any longer and feel restrained by the invisible weight that lay bare across my desk, spelling out I N S A N I T Y in random spots on my paper-

You. You. Grade me. hahah hha
(am I scared? my heart is beating too much. I feel sunny day) C O M P U L S I V E
I just don't see the point anymore. What happened. Why Why you. Why you. You suck. blab blue.

Please, don't worry about me. This never happens. It's all fine. It's perfectly fine. Joker. I be teh joker. Watch me laugh. Pathetic. Roar. I lost my ID! I F HATE THIS RECURRING MOTIF. please let es
X
I P E
I want free.

-and not understanding how I could be so sane at 6:30 this morning and so unsane now. It made no sense. and then I got my essay back from that horrific week, ****ing C-. Well granted I wouldn't have expected much better considering I kinda did do it on the spot in the 12 hours between that failed CS 70 midterm and that 61CL midterm that I took a half hour longer than the max time limit to finish yet was able to get away with. And granted I'm not an English major, and this is the first serious English class I've taken in a few semesters. But still, I lost confidence in my ability to do the things I thought I could do. Maybe I should be committing. Maybe I should be working on the weekends rather than fooling around so much. Would it be that much better if I'd lived in a studio by myself than in an apartment full of other people? This is the reason why I didn't always want to hang out with the others in the past,

I took offense to being told that I had ruined the night by not being there. Well I'M SORRY I COULDN'T BE THERE.

because I was already behind enough as it is. What, should I just ban myself from games, Sunday night dinners, tennis, extracurricular activities, IV from now on? No, I'd go mad if I did that, worse than I already am now. I don't understand how geniuses do it. What am I doing with my life. I'm in a good position to fail 8 of my 17 units (which didn't even happen last semester - what the hell??? I've attended class 10 times more this semester than I did last semester, and I don't have labs), I probably won't get into the major I wanted, my GPA's going to become pretty shot for both med and CS grad school, and - I don't know if I'm going in the right direction. And I'm still whining about the same things I did last week. Is this such a repetitive blog.

Honestly, I felt perfectly fine this morning, even though I was caught up in Persona. I don't understand my mental state. Is this what happens when I'm by myself? I start feeling better when I talk to people, but when I'm alone or forcibly isolating myself (headphones) (not including when I'm playing games) that I start feeling bogged down. I start feeling unable to face the work I'm looking at, because I feel so disillusioned with this semester that - oh wait I said this two blog posts ago.

I realize that even though I missed writing essays, I don't like being forced to write under pressure. So I probably wouldn't want to take another English class here again, because with my CS/bio classes I will probably never be able to not write under pressure, and I prefer to read for pleasure. I miss reading for pleasure. Even though I really like the books I've been reading this semester.

I feel really filthy right now.

And I'm disgusted at the sight of all the schedule planning taking place around me. Screw schedules. Screw classes. I hate it all.

I don't care anymore. I just want to pass. That's all I'm asking. But that in itself feels like an impossible dream now. How ridiculous.

I'm ridiculous.

Hypocrite.

It occurred to me that cheese is spelled c-h-e-e-s-e.

I would prefer that no one else saw this. I would prefer that people didn't know that I was messed up in the head even though I keep putting it out there. I would prefer that people didn't see the crap that I write in my notebooks, the disinterested expressions I put up in these pitiful moments, the negativity that exudes from my soul, the pretentiousness of my writing. Even though I worry, even though I care. I just want to sit on a bench all day and stare out into nothingness. Who knows, maybe I'm just writing these words because I don't care that much, Maybe I just enjoy being a subconscious drama queen.

I hate being behind more than anything, yet I lack the motivation to do anything about it because my thoughts while working bog me down. That about sums up everything.

One year from now, I will wish that this blog never existed.