Interesting.

So tonight I guess was a time to... reflect on the way things have been going socially speaking. And so to speak, it's ok. I had to think for a while about the status of my relationships with the people in my apartment, and in a way saw how they compared to others.

To be frankly honest, after some thought, I feel the most like Ryan. Although I mentioned that I'd only had issues with a couple of things in the past, the things I liked actually outweighed the things I disliked - actually rather heavily. If anything, my only issues right now is that I don't know people well enough and that how I act sometimes with my apartment-mates doesn't necessarily reflect what I actually feel about them.

In my ideal world, I would be able to talk to everyone in my apartment about... well basically anything. As in, I would feel comfortable opening up about every single little secret in my life (or most of them anyway) with them and vice versa. Unfortunately, that doesn't really happen in real life. I sometimes feel like I can't tell people some things, partly because I don't know how they would respond or don't feel comfortable enough with them to tell them these things, and if the other person doesn't tend to share with me in the same fashion already then I tend not to anyway. Johny mentioned that I seem to have... "dark" ? secrets in my life, judging by the nature of this blog. I dunno about dark- well considering that one of my previous blog posts was about how I felt like I had very superficial problems- but I guess I do feel intensely about some issues to a certain extent. To be honest, I'm not as intense as I would like to be, though. I tend to be geared towards inaction and conflict avoidance if at all possible, and quite frankly, even if you do actually make me legitamitely mad (ahem Johny) I would prefer in the long run to forgive and forget anyway.

On one point though - I only get mad if I feel insulted by or extremely dislike a comment that you make that I feel is genuinely coming from you. That is to say, if you have the gall to actually believe that person so-and-so is selfish, cruel, etc. when I personally know that the person is not, then I will likely get mad at you. But that doesn't lead me to hating you (I don't know anyone in my life that I currently hate anyway) - and hate used in that fashion is a really strong word for me.

That said, I like ALL 12 of my apartment mates a lot. I just wish that I could talk to some of them more often. I feel like when I'm around some of them I don't know what to say after a certain point - like I don't know them well enough to know what to talk about. And I really wish I could talk about my problems more often with them, but if I don't know them that well then I feel like I might be infringing upon them. And I really wish I could see some of them more often if I weren't already busy with other stuff.

I feel like I take the relationships I have with my apartment for granted sometimes. It's not until I notice that things aren't there that I start feeling concerned... and the thing that bothers me the most is when my friends don't get along with each other. Well actually, what bothers me is more along the lines of broken relationships. I don't like it when something that seemed to be fine before sours. I suppose I didn't express that so much today, but to be honest it does bother me a bit. Maybe because I find the flaws in other people that bothers my friends tolerable. I dunno, I tend to see enough good that I don't really care about the not-so-good qualities as much. I wish it were the same for everyone... but eh, it happens I guess. It's depressing.

I am reminded of a quote from To the Lighthouse...

"One wanted fifty pairs of eyes to see with, she reflected. Fifty pairs of eyes were not enough to get round that one woman with, she thought."

It takes more than one pair of eyes to see who a person really is. That is the reason why I find people fascinating.